A Christmas Letter for My Favorite Little Sister

Dear Shelli,

I never thought I would actually say this. In fact, it's actually hard to type it out...
BUT, I think I'm actually going to miss your crazy antics tomorrow morning. I mean, for pete's sake, I'm pretty sure if Nicci and I were still living in the same house with you, you'd wake us up at the butt crack of dawn on Christmas morning until you were way past your thirties.

I'm going to miss hiding my smile in the pillow, pretending to be terribly annoyed with you tugging on me, poking me and jumping on my bed trying to get me to wake up to open stockings.

It'll be weird getting myself up tomorrow, the silence will bring a stark realization that I miss you terribly.

I wish I could emerge from my bedroom wrapped up in "cow" and shout "SNUGGLELY WUGGELY!" and jump next to you on the couch. I wish I could slap your feet away from me when they start to do that really weird wiggley movement that you get from dad. So awkward.

Is Love JUST a Choice?

I, like many of you, have grown up with the saying "Love is a Choice." etched into my brain and soul from a very young age. I've seen a little of the good, the bad and the ugly of marriage and I can understand why people would say the previous statement with such fervent passion...I guess when you get down to the nitty gritty of love, it is a choice. It's a grin and bear it, hold-on-when-you-don't-want-to kind of thing...at least, that's what I assume (not being married and all).

I get that.

I respect that.

I want a husband who's going to love me for forever. We're a team. We're going to be fighters. We're going to love when we don't want to and make the choice to stay committed no matter what. Why? Because...Love IS a choice. A choice, a choice, a choice, a choice.

But, with this said, I hate that statement with a welling passion.

Loath it.

I want to run over it with a Army tank, feed it to a thousand sharks and then send a pack of wild rhinos to trample over it...that's how much I hate that statement.

Why?

Because, I believe it has done a horrible disservice to me (and probably many others like me) in my search for love throughout the years.

My Name Creed.

I was looking through some old Facebook note posts (that I never published) and I came across a 2007 one titled "My Name Creed." In it I had written my name (Christi) vertically and subsequently attached description words to each letter in my name. These description words were the answer to the question "How do I want people to view me?" or I guess "What do I want to be known for." 


Now, I do not remember writing this note, nor do I remember the circumstances that inspired me to write what I did. But, I was very surprised to realize that the description words that I chose when I was a fifteen are exactly the same words I would choose today.

Throughout the generations, a persons' name has been very important. Biblically speaking, names/name meanings were so important to Jesus that he ultimately ended up changing several of his followers and disciples names. (Saul to Paul, Simon to Peter...etc) Likewise, several times Jesus was known for asking "Who are you?" or "What is your name?" Names have significant meaning. When someone says "Do you know Betsy Joe?" If they do...they instantly associate that name with their current presuppositions or feelings in relation to Betsy Joe. If Betsy Joe is a bit of a pill, they'll say "Sure I know Betsy Joe...I don't like her very much." Likewise, if we knew an gent named Joe (who was a horrible brute of a guy) we'd probably never name a child "Joe." Not because the name is inherently bad, but because we've attached a "MEANING" to that name beyond what the original meaning entailed...we've attached a Name Creed.

Impatient Gamers and my rambles about them

I have a pet peeve. Impatient Spiral Knight players.

For those of you who don't know, Spiral Knights is a massively multiplayer online role-playing game...I suppose I could have just said "MMO", but I am definitely trying to sound nerdier than I actually am. Is it working? heh.

Basically, you run around as a little Knight character you've created (mine's name is Junit) killing toaster-looking creatures, jelly cubes and various other villains. When you're not in the midst of battle, you can trade things with other players, improve your weapons and...well, not much else.

Tonight I played a little. Nothing major, just you know, sharpened the good ol' Tempered Caliber a bit.
Considering the boyfriend was asleep I decided to play a little on my own and since I didn't want to venture into the depths of battle alone...I created a "team" and invited random other people to join.

Two guys joined my little Knight posse. I could instantly tell their equipment far surpassed mine; it was much shiner and much much larger. At first glance my mind started wondering how their little knight arms could carry such large metal swords? I also found it funny that the Knight with the giant blue shocking sword was wearing a cowboy hat. A cowboy hat? Really? Who are you trying to be Mr. Knight Cowboy? Sir King Arthur John Wayne?

Whatever.
Who am I to judge. I suppose my Knight has pink eyeballs and a stylish pumpkin bomb belt...so I can't judge too much.

(See, isn't she CUTE!?) 

Alright, so anyways. We began playing and almost instantly I could tell Sir Arthur John Wayne and I were going to have a problem. Sure he was a super awesome player with a big giant super awesome shocky sword...but he was impatient and I found it rather annoying to fight toasters with him. He'd run off ahead of the posse; leaving treasure behind, boxes un-opened and nooks n' crannies unexplored. It was almost like he was saying "Pssh...look at me and my big shiny shocky sword! I don't need any of that stuff and I'll blow right through this level just to show you how awesome I am." Over and over he'd run off ahead of  the rest of us and he'd sit waiting at the elevator (the area that takes you to the next level) typing "hurry up" "you don't need anything else" "come to the elevator" "you guys are SUPER BORING" "n00bs" etc. etc. etc. 

I wanted to take his cowboy hat and feed it to the fire breathing toasters, but, instead I found myself trying desperately to keep up with him, to play the game the way he wanted me to. I realized about 20 minutes into playing that I was actually severely frustrated and simply clicked out of the game. It wasn't fun. It wasn't a relaxing evening of blowing up jelly-cubes. No. It had become a competition for all of us to get through the quickest, to seem the most experienced. Soon after I exited out of the game, sorely disappointed in the way the virtual evening ensued...

Of course, you know me...I had to sit awhile and figure out why in the world I was so annoyed, and I came to this conclusion: Sir Arthur John Wayne... reminded me of myself.

I've been told a lot "you're rushing through life kid." "You're impatient" "You're going to look back and wish you had stopped and smelled the roses." "Why don't you slow down a little!" as absolutely ludicrous as it sounds, I didn't realize something until this night of playing a stupid knight game. Maybe they're right? I have gone through some things very quickly in life. I've known where I've wanted to be...so in a sense...I've rushed a little to get there. Now that I'm thinking about it, I wonder how many friends would tell me at different times I've acted like this pushy cowboy-knight guy did tonight? Hurry up! Hurry up! Let's go!

Whew. That's a tough pill to swallow. 

I think this season in my life is really teaching me to SLOW DOWN...to explore what the journey holds, to not just rush through life like my knight teammate did tonight. Overall...TO TRUST JESUS. I want to put some roots down, invest into people and take my sweeeeeet time in this next chapter of life. It's exciting really, I'm ready for this next adventure.

I'm ready to slow down and smell the roses a little....to enjoy where I am and the people around me. 

Sweet dreams and best wishes. 

I'm happy. I promise.

Oh no...

I realized something last night. My blog posts are depressing. Well, most of them.
I mean, I must write when I'm pondering (one of my least favorite words) hard subjects. Or something. Because good grief, it sounds like I'm the saddest person in the whole entire world. Or the most serious person in the whole entire world.

Either way; zomgsh.
So not good.

I promise, I laugh and smile A LOT these days. Probably more than a person ought too.
So, that's all I wanted to write tonight, just a short blog post saying I'M SO HAPPY! Jesus is good and His blessings never cease. :)

Currently I'm...

• Busy planning a Christmas Party for the College Group I volunteer at. 
• Working on finishing up a Children's book in time for Christmas
• Waiting for one of the many places I interviewed with to get back with me :) 
• Trying to grow my hair out again (grow little dead strands of Keratin! Grow!)
• Expanding my knowledge on Flash Animation and Web Design
• Getting my butt out of bed in the mornings and starting to run again
• Researching educational facilities to decide where I would like to eventually get my Masters Degree. 
• Watching WAY to many tutorials on special effect makeup design and film techniques 
• ...and getting to know this guy better: (He's so COOL!) 

Anyways, that's it. Just wanted to make sure ya'll knew I wasn't forever wallowing in a huge puddle of my tears or something. Hope you had a Happy Thanksgiving!!

The ship has sailed?

In life we're given choices; where to go to school, where to live, where to work, who to marry...endless choices.


We make our choices as best we can and then truck forward as the life-path that follows those choices is revealed. Sometimes regrets are inevitable, "Wow, I should have taken that job..." "Moving to Colorado was a bad choice..." etc. However, most of the time we move forward with our decisions, content with the path that results from our choices. However, occasionally someone or something pops up in the middle of our path that reminds us of the journey that could have ensued from making a different choice in regards to them/it. Sometimes they offer us a second chance to experience what's down the un-explored path. It's tempting, it's alluring to a curious soul...but is it and should it...be welcomed and experienced? Sometimes it's painful to re-live those thoughts. Sometimes it's a beautiful memory. What do you do when it's both? What do you do when you desperately want to experience what "could have been" but you also love the life-path your currently on? 


It's a hard question to answer. 
A question that I will probably always struggle with. 

This particular scenario reminds me of the movie "The Family Man." My friend Mindy reminded me of this movie today...and what a great movie it is. The IMDb synopsis reads: 

"A fast-lane investment broker, offered the opportunity to see how the other half lives, wakes up to find that his sports car and girlfriend have become a mini-van and wife." 

But it's more than that, really. It's a beautiful story about what could have been, about dreams un-shared and memories never revealed. The main character gets to experience life down another path...a path he previously ignored. It wasn't a life path as glamorous as his previous life...but it was filled with LOVE and a beautiful family. It's a story about examining what you want out of life, about what's important - it's a good reminder for me to do this in my own life. Of course, as Hollywood usually does, they wrap up the story with sparkles, bubbles and happy rainbows. Everyone lives happily ever after (or so they lead us to believe) and the audience is left with feelings of warm fuzzies inside. 

Part of me is so jealous of this fictional Hollywood character. I desperately want a glimpse down the unknown paths that lie ahead and the ones I left behind. I want to know the "What if's" and "What could have beens." I want to know if I made the right choice, or if I should have taken the non-logical path because it would have held...more. "More" not in terms of wordly gain...but "more" of something else. You know, happy stuff? 

Gah. My head is pounding. 

Why did Jesus give me a brain so capable of thinking? 

Sometimes I would rather think about easy things...like...say...puppies, or, clouds. 

*sigh*

I think at the end of the day though...

What gives me peace with the "what if's" and the "could-of-would-of-should-ofs" is the stark reality that the paths I take and the decisions I make...come complete with the peace only the savior can provide. I can't start thinking too much in terms of "Well I should have..." or "I wonder..." because I realize I'm right where I am...because I'm supposed to be here...because that's where Jesus put me. Although my current position may hold struggles or I may be tempted to daydream, think in terms of regrets or think only in the "what if's"...the resonating thought I'm left with is always "Be content in the NOW." Dreams and the "what if's" often aren't as lovely when they become reality. Often it's easier said than done though...

Each day holds choices...what are you going to chose today? 

Regrets and mistakes they're memories made, 

who would have known how bitter-sweet this would taste.

-Adele  

When a man says..."I want to be your biggest fan."

I once had a guy that I was dating tell me: "I figured you were tired of hearing you were beautiful, so...I decided before we were dating that I wasn't going to tell you that often." 


I wish I could go back in time and change what I said to him. In fact, I can't even remember what I replied with. I'm sure it was something half-stunned and not very accurate to what I was feeling in that moment. If I could scuttle into a time-machine and transport myself back to that moment I would give him a solid piece of advice that I think would help him in his later years of dealing with women...

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?" 

I think that's pretty accurate to what I was feeling in that moment.
You know, and now that I think about it, maybe he was trying to make it sound like a half sort of complement? Maybe? I guess I'll never truly know...but, I would like to translate that seemingly innocent statement to what a woman hears:

"Hi, I'm the man who you adore the most...the man you absolutely love...the man you really only care to look beautiful for...and I've decided I'm not going to tell you you're pretty."


The first part of the statement ("I figured you were tired of...bla bla bla") is almost completely un-heard and irrelevant to a woman. She'll take the last part of the statement ("...So I've decided to not tell you that often...") and it'll feel like a small knife to her heart.

It doesn't matter if she's the most beautiful woman in the world and everybody has told her 10,000x...she CRAVES to hear it from you, the man she loves, more than anyone.

ANYONE.
Anyone.

Got it? (Men, go tell your woman she's pretty)

Women are strong creatures, but we're also very vulnerable, very fragile. I know some women will probably disagree, but I'd say as a general statement this is extremely true. We are sensitive, so deal with us gently.

I've always fancied myself a strong-willed woman; I'm highly independent and extremely adventurous. I've known what I've wanted for a long time and I've ventured out to try and make those dreams happen...but deep down, there will always be the desire to be taken care of and loved more than anything else. It's innate to women, we're wired this way.

Jamers recently called me up out of the blue and said "Hey babe, I just wanted to call and tell you that I'm sorry...I'm sorry I haven't been your biggest fan as much as I should be. I want to be your biggest fan and I'm going to work on that." I was completely surprised by his apology and frankly couldn't understand what he meant. I mean, James is the kind of guy who will show up on your doorstep with a rose in hand and a ridiculous grin on his face. The kind of guy who hands you a little gourd and says "I got this for you to put by your bed...for Fall!" I mean, really? I gourd!? What kind of man goes out of his way to buy you a gourd to put by your bed for the Fall season? AN AMAZING MAN. That's what kind of man. (Men, go buy your woman a gourd)

Anyways...

I didn't understand his apology...until tonight.

Yesterday I put together a Pinterest Board of pictures that inspire me (decorating wise) for my future apartment. Now, I'm nowhere near getting an apartment, or have the kind of money that it would take to decorate an apartment this way; but I still immensely enjoy planning and brainstorming ideas for the future. Last night I asked him if he had seen any of the pictures (I was curious to see what he thought of my style) and he responded with "Oh, no? I didn't see them...I'll have to check them out tomorrow after work." No problem. It wasn't of dire importance that he look at the pictures and I honestly wouldn't have minded if he never even looked at them.

Today James spent around 9 hours washing windows. I can only imagine how tired and hungry he must be when he gets off work...9 hours of window washing!? That's tough. Especially on top of being a full time creative genius filmmaker man.

Despite that though, I received a text from him around 7:00pm that read: "Just got home from work, I'm gonna go inside and check out your picture postings!" 


I was blown away.

I literally could not believe he remembered (after washing windows for hours, being probably starving and extremely tired) to look at my silly pictures.

THEN, he called me...to talk about my pictures.
TO TALK ABOUT MY PICTURES!

He wanted to know where I drew my inspiration from, why I liked the colors I liked, he gave ideas for art and just listened to me babble on excitedly about each and every little minute detail (knowing all the while that it wasn't even a possibility at this point to implement any of these ideas.)

Wow.

In that moment I got it; James is my biggest fan.

What makes me excited, makes him excited.
What makes me happy, makes him happy.
What's important to me...often comes before what's important to him.
And he never makes me feel anything short of brilliant.

I've never had a biggest fan like him. He unashamedly protects me and flaunts me, see's through my "independent" exterior to my softness and genuinely takes interest in whatever I'm excited about. It's beautiful.

I don't think he truly knows the kind of impression he's leaving on my heart, but I do hope he knows It makes me want to strive more to be HIS biggest fan, to go out of my way to make him feel special and remembered.

It means very little to have everybody tell you you're special, loved or beautiful...but it means EVERYTHING to have one person...a biggest fan.

Sure there will be plenty squabbles to come, but it's been a huge blessing to me to realize my biggest fan isn't someone sitting somewhere on the sidelines. He's the person right there in the midst of the game, playing right along side me, encouraging me and frankly, taking the bigger beating for me - I think we're off to a great start.

Thank you for looking at my pictures Jamers. :)

How to run a Successful Student Film Casting Call.

So, you wanna host a casting call eh?

First off, know what you’re getting into. Running a successful casting call in Michigan (Especially a Student-film Casting call) is like trying to…well, um…basically it’s just a lot of hard work. Don’t just think because your film has an awesome title thralls of actors are going to rush to your audition location by the Craiglist posting they found.

It doesn’t work that way. At least, not here. It honestly is “hit or miss” sometimes, but these tips will hopefully make it more of a “hit.”

What you need to know and what you need to do to have a successful Casting Call:

• STEP 1. Decide who is going to be in charge of the casting process and create an E-mail address for this short film. You don’t want to use your personal E-mail addy. In this case our E-mail address will be: billysgoldfishthefilm@gmail.com. Check this E-mail OFTEN and respond to EVERY email inquiry about the short film (But make sure it’s ONE person who’s doing the responding). Be professional and use correct grammar and spelling. Even if someone sends and E-mail that says “Hey I herd about this movie at Craigslist here is my picture, I want to be billy.” – THIS COULD BE YOUR BILLY, so don’t you dare not E-mail him back. Or worse, don’t you dare not E-mail him back professionally. Make sure you start it out with “Thank you for your interest in auditioning for Cornerstone University’s short film “Billy’s Goldfish.” And then go on to answer any questions or give more details. Etc.

• STEP 2. Secondly, create a universal posting that you can submit through E-mail, online and to casting directors. It should sound something like this:

Cornerstone University is hosting a Casting Call, APRIL 2nd 7-9pm (come anytime) for “Billy’s Goldfish”- a Short film about a young boy and his magical fish.

(Basically, state the important stuff first and then give a catchy brief description of the film- in this case, it’s about a boy and his magical fish. I mean, COME ONE, who wouldn’t want to audition for this short film!!)  Next, tell them who you’re looking for and any physical description you have for that character!  

First Aid Kit

Most of you don't know I have a slight obsession with NPR.

Well, I guess now you do...
Shoot, I'm giving away all my quirky secrets.

One of the reasons I love NPR is because I'm introduced to a plethora of musical genres and artists I don't think I'd normally stumble across. Meet my newest Swedish folk-duo love; First Aid Kit.

These lovely sisters; Johanna (21) and Klara (18) Soderberg were discovered on the internet in 2008 when they preformed a cover of "Tiger Mountain Peasant Song" by the Fleet Foxes (a well known Folk band). Not soon after, their musical career was launched...and they've been gaining popularity ever since. (Watch, in a couple months to a year, I bet you'll hear them on some popular channels etc.)

Here's the cover that launched their career:

Sisters always have the best harmony. :)
This is the first song I heard from them on NPR. I wrote the name of their band on the back of a Taco Bell receipt so I could look them up after work that day...so glad I did.



I wish them the very best and can't wait to hear more on their Sophomore LP, which is out January 24th.

What do you guys think of them? 

Apologies and future hopes.

Forewarning, this post is long and emotionally rampant...


To feel "alone" is something I've always felt comfortable with.
I like me, for the most part.
I'm an semi-tolerable creation I suppose.

God has been doing some  A LOT of work in my heart this past year. A lot of work.

I remember as a kid, when alfalfa harvesting season would come and the farmers would bail the hay into large cylinder shapes; I'd venture outside, scuttle up the side of the bail and sit for hours on top. Thinking. Being alone. Enjoying the solitude, the wind, the sky above and the sounds of nature. Being alone and private in my thoughts has always been a form of healing for me.

I guess some of you know that, but for some of you that might come as a surprise. On personality tests I score off the charts "extrovert" but, deep inside...I know I have quite a few introvert traits.

I remember a lot from my childhood. Mostly good things, but I do remember hard things, bad things, things that made me want to go sit on that hay bail....things that made me want to be alone. As a kid, I guess I always felt the need to listen, but not to be heard. I was the person my friends would come to, the person who would want to help but never let on she needed help as well. This damaged me. I guess you could say it made me a bit of a mute. To want to speak, but to not know how to communicate your feelings is a scary thing. To have all these things whirling inside you, eating and tearing you up inside is horrible, it's hard. It separates you and makes you hard to connect with emotionally.

You feel distant, disconnected and alone.
But, on the other hand, you feel powerful...it's an addictive feeling...
You feel like you're a leader, strong and capable of trudging through the darkest, deepest parts of life and that nothing will harm you. It's a deeply false sense of protection though and the day will come when you have to make a choice; begin to speak...or slowly die.

Maybe that sounds overly dramatic, but for me (and others like me) I'm assuming it's true. To die physically is sad, but it's apart of life for all of us. However, to die emotionally...to live a hollow shell of a life isn't natural...and I would argue possibly a greater grief than the latter form of death.

These past 5-6 months have really been hard, but good. I've been alone physically...removed from my friends/family and stuck in a completely new place. There are no maple trees here, no stars and definitely no hay bails to sit on. I left home leaving behind a beautiful family, a few close friends and a wonderful man. Those ties apparently haven't been as strong as I once hoped they were, and that's mostly my fault. I haven't called home as much as I should, I've neglected my sisters, the relationship with the wonderful man painfully died, I've missed skype dates and I've had several close friends tell me; "You've abandoned us."

Wow...what a dagger to the heart.

The stark reality of WHAT I'VE BECOME, what I've allowed myself to become has really been penetrating my heart this morning. I guess all I can say is that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not making my friends and family more of a priority, I'm sorry for not talking about my heart, for not letting you in...and for only flapping my gums because I've thought I could "help you with your problems." I'm sorry for hurting you and I'm sorry if you've felt I've abandoned you. You're right. I've been a fool...and alone fool.

Although some distance (both physical and emotional) is inevitable when someone moves away...I do think you're right to some degree, I do still struggle with the addictive and powerful feeling of wanting to do things on my own, the fear of getting too close and the crippling feeling of "nobody will care if I share anyways."

It's horribly sad, really.

Like a tornado, God has been moving in my life fast and powerfully. When he shows me something He shows it quickly and deeply. I'm learning. Please be patient with me.

I don't know if he'll ever read this, but I still want to write it as well. To the man who loved me so rightfully and so deeply, I'm sorry for the pain we went through. I'm sorry for all the teary nights, the crazy pills and the love I could never give you that you so deeply demonstrated to me. YOU were a beautiful part and a huge catalyst in helping me continue to talk, helping me become more me, helping me become a more beautiful woman and a future wife for my husband. You taught me a lot. Even though "we" weren't right for forever, we were right for that moment in time and I cannot thank you enough and do hope someday you will forgive me for my part in the pain. I hope I was a blessing to you, at least a small one...I pray someday you can remember the laughter and look back on us with smiles.

Anyways, enough about that. Life is beautiful isn't it?
Jesus is beautiful isn't He?

His never ending Grace, Promises and Love is enough.
His blessings are new each morning...and WOW does he bless us in unexpected ways.

As I sit here a little teary eyed, thinking about how I've hurt people, thinking about how I've abandoned some friends, feeling rather alone...I cannot help but feel his arms warp around me and him whispering "Don't worry kiddo, I'll always be here." It gives me a hope for the future and a hope for change.

The change in me brings great excitement...
I feel like a butterfly...I'm just breaking out of my cocoon...I promise, I'll be soaring soon.

Talk so somebody today...
Open up and love someone with no regrets.

Love, The Seducer.

Instead of writing a slew of words before the poem, I'll just let ya'll read the poem...and then I'll tell you below...what I was thinking when I wrote it :) Enjoy.

Love, The Seducer.

We spend our lives crying out for something more than what we cling to presently.

We’re never fully satisfied, our parched throats are rarely quenched and our hungry hearts growl in despair, longing to be fed by, Love. She beautifully dances around’ us elusively, relentlessly bantering us with her desirability. Morning and night she coyly flirts’ her lusciousness, daring us to take a small nibble. She traces her dainty finger down his lonely chest and whispers sweet nothings’ into her forgotten ears: “You’re desired”, “You’re exceptional” she smiles timidly...“Come, let me nourish your pitiful heart.”

Love… is a clever seductress, an alluring temptress.

So often, we too easily fall victim to Love’s attractive desires.

With erroneous motives and elementary reasoning as our leads, we blindly stumble down her warped and twisted path. We trudge forward without much care or concern; for her drained compliments and flattering lies quell our barren hearts for the moment.

We convince ourselves we’re satisfied, our hearts are finally fulfilled!

Although, we quickly discover her words are laden with honey, which turn bitter soon after we gulp them.

In this moment of sickly comprehension, we cry out to her in regretful anguish: “My Love! My Love! Is it true you’re a deceiver?” Her reply comes as a meaningless, seductive wink… and she turns to abandon us without the slightest ounce of remorse or penitence. We find ourselves alone, broken and confused… and once again, within the caverns of our chest, the bottomless grumbling from an ever-starving heart begins.

Love… is a clever seductress, an alluring temptress.

Why "Hurt" will always mean so much to me.

Sometimes when I write, I find inspiration from a single song.
Yes, I'm one of thooooose people.

I hit repeat over and over and over and over until I'm finished typing.
I'm sure it has a great impact on what I write, the mood, the emotion, the cadence...
I'm not sure why I do it, but It's definitely become a habit.

Tonight it's this song:




(Givin' a shout out to Shellster for passing it along)

James says this version of "Hurt" makes him want to cry. Heh...
For me though, it's inspirational. Yes, it's undertones are melancholy and minor in key, but it's also got a driving "determined" sort of feel to it...especially around 3:05

Let me share the lyrics with you from that point on...

what have I become?

my sweetest friend

everyone I know

goes away in the end

and you could have it all

my empire of dirt

I will let you down

I will make you hurt

if I could start again

a million miles away

I would keep myself

I would find a way 

Although "Hurt" wasn't originally written by Johnny Cash (It's actually a 9 Inch Nails cover), Cash's version will always strike my heart MUCH deeper. If you take a look at his music video for this cover, maybe you'll understand.




Moreover, most (if not all) of you know Johnny Cash died in 2003, while the video for "Hurt" was shot (a year before he passed), he was suffering from a rare nervous-system disease, Autonomic Neuropathy, which rendered him very susceptible to pulmonary disorders. Re-read through those lyrics...with this knowledge in your head...

what have I become?

my sweetest friend

everyone I know

goes away in the end

and you could have it all

my empire of dirt

A legend of a man, a giant in the music industry...a man who presumably "had it all"...or did he? Here he was at the end of his life, suffering from a crippling disease, confessing that everything he knows, owns, has...is basically worthless.

As I've been mulling this over in my head tonight...I think the Lord really used this to remind me of something; to stop. To stop trying to hard, to stop over-thinking, to stop worrying, to STOP. Stop and wait on HIM. Everybody has life, everybody has problems, everybody gets old and dies and I'm going to be one of those people. It literally seems impossible at this point in my life, I cant really fathom someday growing old! But, knowing that it will in fact happen...It makes me wonder, do I really want to look back on my life and remember everything to be an "Empire of Dirt?" Do I really want to look back and have nobody but myself? No. No I don't.

If I'm honest with myself (and you I suppose), I can see that empire of dirt starting to be built. I'm selfish. I desire the best...the best out of myself and I push myself to get it. I want a job in the industry. A great job. A job that I'm proud of. That I can maybe secretly brag about and call home to have my momma proud of me.

But...Why?

I mean, I know my mom would be proud of me if I decided to grow flowers for the rest of my life or whittle faces into pencils for that matter (a weird hobby I had as a kid.) BUT, I wouldn't be happy with myself. I wouldn't be proud of myself.

I think part of that is because I know the Lord has placed certain talents and desires into my heart...but I know the opposite of that is true as well. I know it's because I have a sinful human nature...part of me is selfish, awful, greedy and a bit of a pompous badonkeydonk.

Monday was a hard day - but it wasn't a day to simply learn nothing from.
It was a day to STOP. A day to be put into my place. A day to hear the Lord saying "Who are you, Christi?" "Need I remind you that I made you? Need I remind you that I knit you together?" "You better learn from this, wipe the bitter tears off your face and stop acting like a spoiled little child. Always use your gifts in an attitude of humility...always use your gifts while being a reflection of ME. I love you kid."

Wow. Those thoughts knocked me out cold for awhile...but Jesus has slowly been rebuilding the desires of my heart to be pointed after Him and Him alone. I'm sure it will always be a struggle, but a big step in overcoming your struggles are to recognize them, eh?

So, as I listen to this song for like the millionth time...I pray this lesson is never far from my heart.
I pray when I'm old and gray and being fed jello in a nursing home...that even if I couldn't remember my own name...I could look back and remember my life wasn't a rubble of dirt and those who love me never went away in the end.

Here's to forward steps and what is yet to come...

Love,

"Home" and other passions...

Isn't it crazy how quickly a sorrow so deep can come over your soul?
In an instant you can be happy and then all of a sudden, a wave of emotion can crash over you- so strongly that it takes your breath away and replaces it with salty tears.

That wave hit me tonight.
I'm a little confused by it actually.
Dangit Nicci, you shouldn't have posted those darn wedding photos.

1. It made me miss being blonde
2. It made me miss you all so much. So. So. So. So. Much.

My family is the greatest gift Jesus has ever given me. In a world that's so rampant with hurt, abuse and horrible family trauma...my family has been a stark and beautiful contrast. No matter how far, no matter how annoyed, no matter how much I've pretended to hate...I cannot deny my binding love for my family. As I get older I realize more and more how thankful and blessed I am to call myself a daughter of Jennifer and Gregory Praniewicz...and a sister to Shelli and Nicci. Each one of them in their own way has been a hero to me. I could spend hours writing about their gifts, apologizing for being such a sarcastic brute at times and hours thanking each one for their love - but I'd pray and hope at the end of the day, they could each feel it without me having to express a word.

Gosh, I'm sappy tonight.

"Home" what an interesting word. A word that is SO deep, so meaningful, so important to each and every one of us whether we deny it or not. We all have our "homes" the places we rest our heads at night - the place we feel most comfortable in our own skin...

Or do we?

Poetry rambles?

White roses and summer breeze...
sitting under nameless trees. 

You wear your heart on your sleeve and I'll wear mine

Tonight we'll be invincible, just you and I.

I want to be a Jewel. Do you?

Wow. You know, you really shouldn't eat Sour Patch Kid candies while you're in the middle of a once-a-day, 14 day, 3D Crest white strip treatment for your teeth. (That was quite the sentence if I do say so myself.) 


I feel like a invisible gremlin is driving razor sharp toothpicks into the roots of my precious bicuspids.


I'm not sure if it's normal to feel this much sensitivity during a whitening treatment? Perhaps my teeth will fall out. Maybe I should have just been happy with the slightly dingy yellowness? That's better than having no teeth at all. 


*sigh*


The things we do for beauty. 

Well, I came on here to actually write about something, so I suppose I should get started. *ehhem* Here we go! 

The Art of Thrifting.

What is “thrifting?” According to Microsoft Word 2007, it's a word in the English vocabulary that does not exist. Squiggly red lines grace the bottom of the letters, trying to annoy me enough to change the spelling to simply, “Thrift.” However, I dare say "thrifting" IS a word. I will add it to the dictionary in Microsoft Word 2007, so it believes me as well.

Much better, squiggly red lines have vanished! I am the squiggly line vanisher!

No, but seriously, what is “thrifting” and how does one actually go about doing the act of “thrifting?”

I started thrifting because I had little money to spend on clothes as a teenager/college student. I remember my first amazing thrift store find. Back in highschool, I was invited to go to a local schools' dance with my friend Andrew Howe. I had nothing to wear and knew that I, nor my parents had extra cash to spend on an expensive formal dress.

Why I'm excited for work every morning...

I don't exactly know what to write about today.

I guess I'll start with, "Holy mother of awesome pants! I love my job!!" (Yes, awesome pants)

By now, I'm sure most (if not all) of you know I work for JCTV - we're a Christian Youth/Young Adult television Network based out of Tustin, CA.

It actually has been slightly frustrating these past months of working - until yesterday.

You see, up until yesterday, I wasn't fully sure what my job actually entailed. Sometimes I programmed the music videos, sometimes I wrote short scripts, sometimes I organized tapes....

It was mostly frustrating because I've been having to ask over and over; "Uh...ok, what can I do next?" Now I understand that this is completely normal for when starting a new job, but I wasn't even sure how much liberty I had to say, "So, I see a potential area for growth here...can I step in and improve the workflow in this area?" Etc.

So, yesterday we had an all JCTV meeting that took nearly 4 hours. You'd think we would have left feeling completely exhausted... but the truth is, we left (or at least I left) feeling completely liberated and excited for the future of JCTV. 

Making up for lost time.

I've been rather annoyed at myself these past couple of weeks. 


It's been three weeks since I've moved from Grand Rapids, MI to Yorba Linda, CA. I've had so much happen these past three weeks, so many people I've met and so many awesome opportunities thrown my way...


I know I've lacked in updating friends and for that, I am so terribly sorry. 


I promise I've sat down countless times and have tried to force out words into a blog post-update. Something to let you guys know "I'm doing ok, this is what I'm up to...bla bla bla." But, let's just say, words don't come when they don't want to. Or, as my good friend (Kidding, I actually don't know the dude) Walter Wellesley Smith, would say: "There's nothing to writing.  All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein."


Perhaps my "veins" haven't been ready to bleed my...words? The true feelings in my heart? Was that taking the analogy a bit far? Not sure. You guys can decide.

Bad Dream and Bad Hair.

Very seldom do I have dreams.
However, when I do have dreams...generally I dream about places and architectural designs. Weird eh?
So, when I do have a pretty crazy dream, that's not about a place (and I remember it!) I like to pass it along...so, here you go!

First bike ride and other updates

Well, it's not in depth because I don't have much time, but here's a quick update! My bike arrived and I've been having fun exploring around the area and meeting new people. I miss my family, friends and Kemp man though :) A more detailed blog will be coming soon. Promise.

Lots of loves!

Backpack backpack! Check out my creation! :)

So, tonight I was feeling a bit crafty.

Over the course of this week of packing, I realized I needed an extra bag/backpack to take to California. Being the thrifty gal that I am...I first scoured my moms closet. Heh.

I happened to come across a very old, tan, leather backpack my mom had when she was in her twenties... living in California. It only seemed fitting that I take it out of the closet, give it new life and take it back to its "mother-land" with me.  

This is the backpack BEFORE. 

Notice all of the water-stains along the bottom. I liked the tan color...but I thought a darker stain would be more "me" and help hide some of the stains :) 

Mid Stain: 

(A special shout out to Shelli for helping me!) 

 Almost done!! 

 FINAL product!! I added a few feathers just for fun. 

It's going to be a perfect backpack to take to bookstores and stuffs. 

I challenge you all to take something old...and make it "new" this week :)

Waffles and lonely thoughts.

Tonight is a bitter-sweet night for me. I'm feeling lonely. Proof of this is I'm wearing Kemps Superhero P'J pants, have all three cats locked in the bedroom with me and am eating a stack of 5 waffles. I'm sure I'll regret the waffle part later...but for now, I'll nom nom away.

Mmmmm...Syrup.

I have the best family in the world. My mom has always been a rock of encouragement for me, my dad has always provided to the best of his abilities and my sisters are some of my best friends. I'm sad to leave this nice, warm, little bubble of family safety...and maybe, possibly, a little scared too.

4 days...4 short...minuscule days. When Wednesday rolls around, I'll put my big-girl panties on, shuffle onto a little jet plane headed to California and work my buns off to get a job when I get there.

I used to think that I didn't need anyone...that I could handle things on my own. I still struggle with accepting people's help sometimes. I find myself constantly wanting to do things myself, to handle situations on my own...I guess somewhere in the back of my mind, it's weakness to need anyone. This thought process is completely ludicrous and I'm slowly changing my warped way of thinking. (Thank goodness.)

However, as I've been changing, I'm starting to realize "Holy cow, I want to take so many people with me!" and "Oh my goodness, can I really do this on my own?!" I've been blessed to have a huge net of support in Michigan and it's honestly taken me this long to realize the full impact of this reality. 4 years ago I would have packed up everything and moved to California without a care or concern. Today I'll still pack up everything and move...but this time, I care. I care about who I'm leaving and the relationships that I've forged here. I love my family, friends and Kemp...and I deeply want to maintain these relationships.

I guess I'm a little scared of feeling alone...like how I feel tonight. (The cats aren't exactly what I would call riveting company) I never used to feel this way, I guess it's what comes with opening up your heart more.

Heh.

Seems like an unfair trade-off.

One of my prayers is that I would meet someone in California, a friend, a companion who shares my same dogmas and is alive in spirit and dreams. I'm a Michigander. A girl who wears thrift store clothes and uses drug-store makeup. I fully expect to feel a little bit like a fish out of water in California...but that doesn't bother me. I'm used to being a little quirky and feeling a bit like an outsider. What bothers me is the thought of leaving the warm hammock of safety in Michigan and never really finding anything close to it out there. Sure I'll have extended family in California, but that family wasn't raised the way I was raised. They may or may not hold different truths and different foundations. Of course they will love me and of course I will love them...but will we really, truly understand one another? I'm not sure.

So, join in my prayer with me, my prayer that I would find someone who's a bit like me, an outsider, someone searching for an adventure and is fully vivacious about life. If I find that person or that group of people...I think I'll feel a bit more at home.

4 days.

I love you, friends.

Oh, also...this is my new hair! 8 inches off. When it's straight you can see more of the asymmetricalness. It's definitely a unique hair-cut (and I'm back to blonde!)...it feels more like me :)

Roofing and my new favorite thing.

Well, this vlog is basically about my day. But, I mean, some cool stuff happened...like I got to pretend to be a mountain goat and I got a sweet new geeky-gadget thing.

All in all, a good day.

Oh hey, my bed is calling for me...

Changes to the blog.

Howdy friends!

I wanted to point out a couple of changes that are taking place with my blog. First and foremost, it's honestly going to serve as a much more personal portal to let my family and friends back home know what's going on in my life as I transition from here to CA.

However, with that said, I promise once I get a little less crazy (whew! Packing and laundry!! Ahh.) I'll also do some other fun vlogs completely unrelated to my trip...and mostly just to entertain all of Shelli's friends who bug her about having me make some more. (Sorry guys, I had no idea, ya'll were such loyal followers.)

Other than that, you'll notice on the right hand side, I added a "skype button." If you're interested, add me to your contacts and I'll try and  either video/phone/chat with you guys while I'm in California. I want to be careful to keep my phone-bill down... so if you want to call me...let's mostly try calling through skype instead, so that way I can keep my minutes for business calls. etc :)

Other than that, I updated the prayer request page, because for some reason...it wasn't working properly anymore. I would love to still be able to keep ya'll in my prayers anyway I can...so just leave a comment on the page, or shoot me a fb message if you feel comfortable.

One last thing! I made my blog header much prettier. Kee! I love code...when it does what I want.


Lots of Love,

I'm leaving on a jet plane...in 3 weeks.

Hi friends and family,
I promised I would let you know when I was leaving for California...watch this vlog, it'll fill you in on all the details.





Oh, and this is the bike my uncle gave me:
Isn't she pretty?

Lots of loves.

Eenie meenie miney moe...catch my life-path by the toe...

First off, I want to apologize. I feel as though “CPthatsme” has turned into more of a personal blog as of late. It’s become a place for me to share my rambling mind with cyber space and whoever else stumbles across this thing (apparently quite a few of you? 193 of you checked out my resume…soo….)

Anyways, I’m sorry for drifting from wacky shoes and pointless vlogs. Heh.

I’ll blame it on the craziness of life currently.

I must admit, it’s been a nice outlet, a place to organize my thoughts into letters, then words, then sentences, then paragraphs... Somehow it helps me feel a little bit more in control of the chaos I seem to be currently surrounded by.

I guess I have a lot of decisions to make. There are quite a few “life paths” I could choose from and quite a few directions which look appealing for one reason or another. 

Last week, I was 100% set on going to California; today I’m not so sure. 

Maybe I’m scared? Maybe I’m starting to feel the heavy dose of reality. Maybe I’m just overreacting. Maybe I just have too many gosh-darn awesome dreams. Gah! All these “maybes” are making me feel like I just stepped off of a gut-jostling fair ride.

I’m barely in my 20’s. Jeepers Creepers, I should chill out and be more worried about finding a good eye cream. Or something.

But, that’s not what I’m freaking out about. Nope, forget the eye-cream…today I’m freaking out about wanting to be an animator.Over the past few years Ive had multiple conversations with people about going back to school for animation. It’s no secret I have a love affair with Pixar (and OK, any well-done animated film…Yes, that’s right, I’m giving a shout out to How to Train Your Dragon.) I mean, come on, Ive applied to Pixar 17 times and google searched; “How to get a tour at Pixar studios”, “How to bribe the guards to let you into Pixar animation studios”… “How to sneak through the security at Pixar animation studios” and “How to use tear gas on security guards.” Maybe I have an unhealthy obsession? Naw. This is pretty normal…

”Pixar” would make a cute baby name, eh?

I’m kidding, mom.

I want to tell stories. Underneath it all, I just want to tell amazing, inspiring stories with my life. I enjoy using the medium of filmmaking to do this and I’ve really liked learning about how it’s done using filmmaking techniques at Cornerstone. However, I don’t know if I could dedicate myself to that mode of artwork for my whole life. Sometimes, it scares me to realize how monotonous I occasionally think filmmaking is. The camera, the release forms, the live actors, the over-emotional director…

Somebody tell me, is it something you ABSOLETELY have to love? Should you absolutely adore waking up to your craft? And if you don't...is something wrong? I look around at my fellow classmates and sometimes feel inadequate next to them when it comes to movie-making interest and out of classroom knowledge. Most of them are enraptured by an emotionally stirring short-film, or delighted to hear about the new-current-trend. That’s not me. I don’t seek things out as much as I should, or wish I did in fact. I wish I could be completely in love with my chosen craft. I wish something would just go off in my head and I would spend hours upon hours studying and analyzing different lighting techniques, cameras, or even producer programs. But… I don’t. Instead I watch behind the scene films about how many facial anchor muscles “Woody” from Toystory has in his face.

(In case you were wondering he has over 200 articulated facial muscles in his face alone. Moreover, he has over 700 different controls in his body that let you rotate his arm at the elbow or the wrist, bend and rotate his hat…and so forth…)

See? That stuff amazes me. Animators aren’t bound by what they can and cannot put into the frame. They aren’t bound by locations or bad actors…it’s just completely, pure imagination and artistry that goes into each frame.

That is the pure creativeness I long for.

I’m AM happy with what I’m doing now. I’m happy telling stories through standard filmmaking and video techniques…but…but...

And I guess I’ll leave it at that...the cliff-hanging, "but". 

Cliff-hanging. "but"? That sounds disgusting. I should have thought through a better analogy. 

Whatever.

Anyways, yesterday I stumbled across a program called Animation Mentor. It’s an online, 18 month, animation school started by a couple of current Pixar/Dreamworks animators. I’d give my right arm to be able to do the program. It’s just too bad my right arm isn’t worth $18,928, a one time registration fee of $175, the price of a new computer, and the price of Maya, combined. (However, in the grand scheme of things, it's a WHOLE lot cheaper than going back to school for four years.)

Time to start collecting Pop cans.

Oh, as a side note, I would like to point out that popcans are called popcans…not sodacans.( <  that was for you, boyfriend.) 

If I could get a full time job in Grand Rapids, which allows me to be able to make small payments and afford this Animation Mentor program; I’d consider pushing California back…again. The sheer thought of staying in the area any longer than I already have…instantly starts to make me feel claustrophobic. However, I know if I had an amazing creative outlet like Animation Mentor, I could do it. I could stay. For a bit. For 18 months… 

At the same time though, my grandparents are healthy (I would be staying with them while in C.A, at least to start out with), I’m not married, I still have some time before loans come due and I have the ache to be in the sunshine state. But I don’t have a set-in-stone-job out there. I’d be a giant leap of faith, one that might not pay off...and one that might end up seeming monotonous to me, over time.   

Sigh. 

 I’m done rambling. At least this gives you a glimpse into what in the world my brain is thinking at the moment. I’m a confused person with way too many options. Maybe I’ll just forget about everything and shop around for that eye-cream. Anybody have any good suggestions for ones that prevent stress-lines? :) 

-Christi