Why hello there, Lovelies.
As I sit upon my bed, click-clacking on the keyboard in front of me, body thoroughly wrapped up in my owl-print fuzzy bathrobe...I am filling my ears with melodies from this delightful soundtrack mix. You're very welcome to listen along if you so wish. Generally, when I listen to slower-instrumental soundtrack mixes I am in a melancholy mood, but this isn't the case tonight.
Tonight, my spirit is resting with content happiness, but my heart is alive with passion. Passion about my future, passion regarding what is to come. I often find myself writing about what is to come as though it were a far-off distant dream to be ridden after with fervent pursuit, with unrelenting longing, and perhaps with a smidgen of curious exploration. And, that it is. However, tonight, the future doesn't seem so far off anymore. And, I'm not immediately sure why that is, but I suppose this blog post is as much for your reading enjoyment, as it is for me to attempt to answer that slightly gnawing question.
What future dreams I may have been chasing seem rather close now. Almost as if these dreams, instead of being a far-off beautiful land to be pursued, were an early morning fog. A fog that rises from the depths of the dewy earth after a long, hard, rainstorm...surrounding oneself rather unannounced. Moreover, as fog often displays itself, perhaps these dreams weren't immediately evident. Perhaps what I may have thought was a messed-up masterpiece of atmosphere confusion, a blurry set of missed chances and expectations, a temporary road-block on my way to my destination...slowly fades into the glorious morning sunrise? And, for the first time, as the milky haze disappears into the rays of warm sunshine around me, I can see with clarity the dreams within the immediate moments surrounding my being. And, it's beautiful. Within this clarity, I find that the air is thick with a weight of the importance of immediacy and intentionality with the people and things currently surrounding. Not immediacy or intentionality for the things, or the destinations down the road. But, for the now. For the right here. For the future(s) within the little moment(s). For the salty ground beneath my feet, for the people on my left and on my right...immediacy and intentionality for the dreams within the moments I've spent too many years missing.
I think that past paragraph was a long rambling round about way to say...I might be growing up.
There's a part of me that contemplates whether or not society (generally speaking) has done a horrible disservice to little girls. We've raised our pig-tailed, pony-loving, freckled face little-ladies to be independent. To be strong. To be capable. We've raised them to have careers, ambitions, goals and to chase those far-off dreams as long, and hard, and courageously as they possibly can. All of these things I believe to be extremely beneficial to instill into their little beings and hearts. However, perhaps somewhere along the way, we've downplayed the desires of many little girls - to become wives, mothers, and perhaps homemakers. We've downplayed and downgraded them to the degree of secondary. As if those desires, dreams, hopes, and wishes were something less than a woman who in contrast, wants to become highly successful and respected in the business world.
I believe myself to be in the latter category. Although not extremely successful...I live in comfort, and moderate confidence of my potential continued success within the corporate world. This is a fancy way of saying I've spent the past two years in LA networking, making valuable connections, and building my reputation within the business world and in my field. There is a career-path set before me, one which has the great ability to continue forward for a very long time if I choose to keep trudging along. Of course, as I've learned many times before - nothing is permanent, everything is malleable, and job situations are as fluidly changing as a rapid river is winding. However, hypothetically speaking, and looking to the current career-climate for my field in California, I am confident in saying (Lord willing) I do not see an end to the path on which I am currently walking if I choose to continue forward on it.
If I was to rewind into past-Christi-land two years ago and whisper into her ear that in two years, she would be sitting where I am...I think she wouldn't believe it. Not that it would be overwhelmingly exciting to her, simply because it would be so remarkably different than the dreams she had in her head...that I think she might be a bit upset and disappointed at future-Christi. Where did the girl who dreamed of Pixar, Disney, Animation, making it "big" go? Where did her far-off dreams, her passions, her curiosity dissapear to? Because, to be honest with you all, the person that is currently sitting on her bed, typing and listening to mellow music...is not the kind of person past-Christi would have appreciated. Sure, she's O.K...but...she's just...different?
Past Christi measured importance by successes within the business world and corporate notches on ones' belt. Past Christi would have probably done anything to get her name in the credits of a Pixar film. And, I'm not saying that having those goals were necessarily a bad thing. Or that current Christi wouldn't enjoy it just as much! But, I can tell you as the fog has faded, the future-path seems far less important, and the little moments and the dreams round' me more important. Questions like "Who can I bless today?" "What can I learn today?" are more readily floating around my head than "When I do this..." or "If this happens..." or "If only I..."
Someday...I want to be a wife and someday I want to be a mom...a really awesome mom like my mom was and is. I think I've honestly been afraid to admit that for a supremely long time. Sure I'll write something silly about a future "husband" etc...but deep down if you were to ask me "Do you want to get married, do you want to be a mom?" I probably would have felt my heart clench up with fear and my mouth begin to mutter "Naw, I have too many things I want to do...men, who needs em!" With so many far-off goals looming in the distance, several horribly-failed past relationships and many self-inflicted fears, I've run away from the topic of marriage with the men I've gotten semi-serious with. And, that's hard to admit. Because, deep down, I think I've always wanted it...but I've struggled so very much with combining the desires mentioned above (wanting to be a wife, a mom, a homemaker) with the desires of pursuing those crazy, far-fetched dreams. And...people...it's tough...it really is, as an independent woman, trying to figure out how those things will possibly fit together. I wont expound on it, but for those who know what it feels like, I'm sure you can relate. Laying down individual dreams, and picking up shared dreams. Tough stuff. Even if you're 100% confident in your decision, it will always be a bitter-sweet goodbye.
Plus, I think I've been hesitant at times to admit that I want to be married and have kids, not because I'm ashamed of those desires, but because when someone asks you "What do you want to do with your life?" "Be an awesome wife and make the worlds best kids!" Isn't exactly what they're expecting you to say as a female in the 21 century. Especially out here in LA. Especially when you're on your way to being successful within that business world. And, what I've found is; when you do respond with these things, the tendency that I've found for them to reply back with is "Anything else?" As if the career I've built for myself in LA would be more important than loving and respecting my husband and raising children who fear the Lord. As if ANY other job would be more important than the tasks of loving, caring for, and instructing the children that God has blessed me with, and charged me with. Uh. I don't think so, quite the opposite really.
Lastly, what I desperately don't want people to walk away with after reading this, is an assumption that I think women can only be one or the other; wives and moms or career ladies. On the contrary, I think that one can be both...however, I think we can all agree that having children DOES change things. Priorities shift, responsibilities change as you are no longer simply responsible for yourself. It IS possible to be an awesome mom and a stellar career-lady (I see it everyday at my office!). However, I think the kind of mom that I want to be is one who is incredibly intentional with her children. Lord willing, I don't want to have someone else spending more time raising my kids than I do.
I know I'm all over the place tonight...but I guess this post was mostly just a ramble to encourage women of all journey-stages. Whether you are just starting out and wildly passionate about your future dreams like I was a couple years ago, whether you are currently where I reside in finding more fulfillment within the little dreams and people around you, whether you are married, perhaps a momma, chasing new dreams with your family...or maybe your kids are grown and you're revisiting the far-off dreams you had as a single person. Wherever you are...I think this post is mostly to encourage you in importance of those pursuits. To encourage us all.
So specifically....to all my female friends who are married, have children or will potentially have babies someday soon..I want you to know that you're absolutely remarkable. And, when you guys post pictures of your beautiful little families and your strivings as mommas and wives, my heart is filled with joy, and sometimes a bit of hopeful anticipation for my own family someday down the line too! I respect you all very much, for I know that the tasks that you are faced with currently are far greater than many of the tasks I will experience on a daily basis. So, keep at it wives and moms! I know that it's thankless work, and that the grass may seem greener on the other-side sometimes, but you all inspire me very much, as I know you do the same for many other young women as well.
Your journey is a beautiful one and you are a remarkable creation.
Luffs and Stuffs,
Christi
As I sit upon my bed, click-clacking on the keyboard in front of me, body thoroughly wrapped up in my owl-print fuzzy bathrobe...I am filling my ears with melodies from this delightful soundtrack mix. You're very welcome to listen along if you so wish. Generally, when I listen to slower-instrumental soundtrack mixes I am in a melancholy mood, but this isn't the case tonight.
Tonight, my spirit is resting with content happiness, but my heart is alive with passion. Passion about my future, passion regarding what is to come. I often find myself writing about what is to come as though it were a far-off distant dream to be ridden after with fervent pursuit, with unrelenting longing, and perhaps with a smidgen of curious exploration. And, that it is. However, tonight, the future doesn't seem so far off anymore. And, I'm not immediately sure why that is, but I suppose this blog post is as much for your reading enjoyment, as it is for me to attempt to answer that slightly gnawing question.
What future dreams I may have been chasing seem rather close now. Almost as if these dreams, instead of being a far-off beautiful land to be pursued, were an early morning fog. A fog that rises from the depths of the dewy earth after a long, hard, rainstorm...surrounding oneself rather unannounced. Moreover, as fog often displays itself, perhaps these dreams weren't immediately evident. Perhaps what I may have thought was a messed-up masterpiece of atmosphere confusion, a blurry set of missed chances and expectations, a temporary road-block on my way to my destination...slowly fades into the glorious morning sunrise? And, for the first time, as the milky haze disappears into the rays of warm sunshine around me, I can see with clarity the dreams within the immediate moments surrounding my being. And, it's beautiful. Within this clarity, I find that the air is thick with a weight of the importance of immediacy and intentionality with the people and things currently surrounding. Not immediacy or intentionality for the things, or the destinations down the road. But, for the now. For the right here. For the future(s) within the little moment(s). For the salty ground beneath my feet, for the people on my left and on my right...immediacy and intentionality for the dreams within the moments I've spent too many years missing.
I think that past paragraph was a long rambling round about way to say...I might be growing up.
There's a part of me that contemplates whether or not society (generally speaking) has done a horrible disservice to little girls. We've raised our pig-tailed, pony-loving, freckled face little-ladies to be independent. To be strong. To be capable. We've raised them to have careers, ambitions, goals and to chase those far-off dreams as long, and hard, and courageously as they possibly can. All of these things I believe to be extremely beneficial to instill into their little beings and hearts. However, perhaps somewhere along the way, we've downplayed the desires of many little girls - to become wives, mothers, and perhaps homemakers. We've downplayed and downgraded them to the degree of secondary. As if those desires, dreams, hopes, and wishes were something less than a woman who in contrast, wants to become highly successful and respected in the business world.
I believe myself to be in the latter category. Although not extremely successful...I live in comfort, and moderate confidence of my potential continued success within the corporate world. This is a fancy way of saying I've spent the past two years in LA networking, making valuable connections, and building my reputation within the business world and in my field. There is a career-path set before me, one which has the great ability to continue forward for a very long time if I choose to keep trudging along. Of course, as I've learned many times before - nothing is permanent, everything is malleable, and job situations are as fluidly changing as a rapid river is winding. However, hypothetically speaking, and looking to the current career-climate for my field in California, I am confident in saying (Lord willing) I do not see an end to the path on which I am currently walking if I choose to continue forward on it.
If I was to rewind into past-Christi-land two years ago and whisper into her ear that in two years, she would be sitting where I am...I think she wouldn't believe it. Not that it would be overwhelmingly exciting to her, simply because it would be so remarkably different than the dreams she had in her head...that I think she might be a bit upset and disappointed at future-Christi. Where did the girl who dreamed of Pixar, Disney, Animation, making it "big" go? Where did her far-off dreams, her passions, her curiosity dissapear to? Because, to be honest with you all, the person that is currently sitting on her bed, typing and listening to mellow music...is not the kind of person past-Christi would have appreciated. Sure, she's O.K...but...she's just...different?
Past Christi measured importance by successes within the business world and corporate notches on ones' belt. Past Christi would have probably done anything to get her name in the credits of a Pixar film. And, I'm not saying that having those goals were necessarily a bad thing. Or that current Christi wouldn't enjoy it just as much! But, I can tell you as the fog has faded, the future-path seems far less important, and the little moments and the dreams round' me more important. Questions like "Who can I bless today?" "What can I learn today?" are more readily floating around my head than "When I do this..." or "If this happens..." or "If only I..."
Someday...I want to be a wife and someday I want to be a mom...a really awesome mom like my mom was and is. I think I've honestly been afraid to admit that for a supremely long time. Sure I'll write something silly about a future "husband" etc...but deep down if you were to ask me "Do you want to get married, do you want to be a mom?" I probably would have felt my heart clench up with fear and my mouth begin to mutter "Naw, I have too many things I want to do...men, who needs em!" With so many far-off goals looming in the distance, several horribly-failed past relationships and many self-inflicted fears, I've run away from the topic of marriage with the men I've gotten semi-serious with. And, that's hard to admit. Because, deep down, I think I've always wanted it...but I've struggled so very much with combining the desires mentioned above (wanting to be a wife, a mom, a homemaker) with the desires of pursuing those crazy, far-fetched dreams. And...people...it's tough...it really is, as an independent woman, trying to figure out how those things will possibly fit together. I wont expound on it, but for those who know what it feels like, I'm sure you can relate. Laying down individual dreams, and picking up shared dreams. Tough stuff. Even if you're 100% confident in your decision, it will always be a bitter-sweet goodbye.
Plus, I think I've been hesitant at times to admit that I want to be married and have kids, not because I'm ashamed of those desires, but because when someone asks you "What do you want to do with your life?" "Be an awesome wife and make the worlds best kids!" Isn't exactly what they're expecting you to say as a female in the 21 century. Especially out here in LA. Especially when you're on your way to being successful within that business world. And, what I've found is; when you do respond with these things, the tendency that I've found for them to reply back with is "Anything else?" As if the career I've built for myself in LA would be more important than loving and respecting my husband and raising children who fear the Lord. As if ANY other job would be more important than the tasks of loving, caring for, and instructing the children that God has blessed me with, and charged me with. Uh. I don't think so, quite the opposite really.
Lastly, what I desperately don't want people to walk away with after reading this, is an assumption that I think women can only be one or the other; wives and moms or career ladies. On the contrary, I think that one can be both...however, I think we can all agree that having children DOES change things. Priorities shift, responsibilities change as you are no longer simply responsible for yourself. It IS possible to be an awesome mom and a stellar career-lady (I see it everyday at my office!). However, I think the kind of mom that I want to be is one who is incredibly intentional with her children. Lord willing, I don't want to have someone else spending more time raising my kids than I do.
I know I'm all over the place tonight...but I guess this post was mostly just a ramble to encourage women of all journey-stages. Whether you are just starting out and wildly passionate about your future dreams like I was a couple years ago, whether you are currently where I reside in finding more fulfillment within the little dreams and people around you, whether you are married, perhaps a momma, chasing new dreams with your family...or maybe your kids are grown and you're revisiting the far-off dreams you had as a single person. Wherever you are...I think this post is mostly to encourage you in importance of those pursuits. To encourage us all.
So specifically....to all my female friends who are married, have children or will potentially have babies someday soon..I want you to know that you're absolutely remarkable. And, when you guys post pictures of your beautiful little families and your strivings as mommas and wives, my heart is filled with joy, and sometimes a bit of hopeful anticipation for my own family someday down the line too! I respect you all very much, for I know that the tasks that you are faced with currently are far greater than many of the tasks I will experience on a daily basis. So, keep at it wives and moms! I know that it's thankless work, and that the grass may seem greener on the other-side sometimes, but you all inspire me very much, as I know you do the same for many other young women as well.
Your journey is a beautiful one and you are a remarkable creation.
Luffs and Stuffs,
Christi
As a kid, I looked up to you quite a lot. In many ways I still do. You always were loving and kind and I knew you had stuggles to. Maybe now I see that more than I did then, and I found relating to you easy! I love seeing where you're going with your life. I also had many dreams of "making it big" like being a singer or a artist but reality crushed many of those dreams, I just realized I like these things but I'm not the BEST at it. I can't wait to see where you go because honestly I'm proud of you. You are going to do things, it may not be the success past Christi though but success is perspective. I consider myself achieving success just by how far I've come in my life from who I used to be.
ReplyDeleteKeep it up, because I for know you have many places to go, and many people's lives to touch. <3