Why "Hurt" will always mean so much to me.

Sometimes when I write, I find inspiration from a single song.
Yes, I'm one of thooooose people.

I hit repeat over and over and over and over until I'm finished typing.
I'm sure it has a great impact on what I write, the mood, the emotion, the cadence...
I'm not sure why I do it, but It's definitely become a habit.

Tonight it's this song:




(Givin' a shout out to Shellster for passing it along)

James says this version of "Hurt" makes him want to cry. Heh...
For me though, it's inspirational. Yes, it's undertones are melancholy and minor in key, but it's also got a driving "determined" sort of feel to it...especially around 3:05

Let me share the lyrics with you from that point on...

what have I become?

my sweetest friend

everyone I know

goes away in the end

and you could have it all

my empire of dirt

I will let you down

I will make you hurt

if I could start again

a million miles away

I would keep myself

I would find a way 

Although "Hurt" wasn't originally written by Johnny Cash (It's actually a 9 Inch Nails cover), Cash's version will always strike my heart MUCH deeper. If you take a look at his music video for this cover, maybe you'll understand.




Moreover, most (if not all) of you know Johnny Cash died in 2003, while the video for "Hurt" was shot (a year before he passed), he was suffering from a rare nervous-system disease, Autonomic Neuropathy, which rendered him very susceptible to pulmonary disorders. Re-read through those lyrics...with this knowledge in your head...

what have I become?

my sweetest friend

everyone I know

goes away in the end

and you could have it all

my empire of dirt

A legend of a man, a giant in the music industry...a man who presumably "had it all"...or did he? Here he was at the end of his life, suffering from a crippling disease, confessing that everything he knows, owns, has...is basically worthless.

As I've been mulling this over in my head tonight...I think the Lord really used this to remind me of something; to stop. To stop trying to hard, to stop over-thinking, to stop worrying, to STOP. Stop and wait on HIM. Everybody has life, everybody has problems, everybody gets old and dies and I'm going to be one of those people. It literally seems impossible at this point in my life, I cant really fathom someday growing old! But, knowing that it will in fact happen...It makes me wonder, do I really want to look back on my life and remember everything to be an "Empire of Dirt?" Do I really want to look back and have nobody but myself? No. No I don't.

If I'm honest with myself (and you I suppose), I can see that empire of dirt starting to be built. I'm selfish. I desire the best...the best out of myself and I push myself to get it. I want a job in the industry. A great job. A job that I'm proud of. That I can maybe secretly brag about and call home to have my momma proud of me.

But...Why?

I mean, I know my mom would be proud of me if I decided to grow flowers for the rest of my life or whittle faces into pencils for that matter (a weird hobby I had as a kid.) BUT, I wouldn't be happy with myself. I wouldn't be proud of myself.

I think part of that is because I know the Lord has placed certain talents and desires into my heart...but I know the opposite of that is true as well. I know it's because I have a sinful human nature...part of me is selfish, awful, greedy and a bit of a pompous badonkeydonk.

Monday was a hard day - but it wasn't a day to simply learn nothing from.
It was a day to STOP. A day to be put into my place. A day to hear the Lord saying "Who are you, Christi?" "Need I remind you that I made you? Need I remind you that I knit you together?" "You better learn from this, wipe the bitter tears off your face and stop acting like a spoiled little child. Always use your gifts in an attitude of humility...always use your gifts while being a reflection of ME. I love you kid."

Wow. Those thoughts knocked me out cold for awhile...but Jesus has slowly been rebuilding the desires of my heart to be pointed after Him and Him alone. I'm sure it will always be a struggle, but a big step in overcoming your struggles are to recognize them, eh?

So, as I listen to this song for like the millionth time...I pray this lesson is never far from my heart.
I pray when I'm old and gray and being fed jello in a nursing home...that even if I couldn't remember my own name...I could look back and remember my life wasn't a rubble of dirt and those who love me never went away in the end.

Here's to forward steps and what is yet to come...

Love,

"Home" and other passions...

Isn't it crazy how quickly a sorrow so deep can come over your soul?
In an instant you can be happy and then all of a sudden, a wave of emotion can crash over you- so strongly that it takes your breath away and replaces it with salty tears.

That wave hit me tonight.
I'm a little confused by it actually.
Dangit Nicci, you shouldn't have posted those darn wedding photos.

1. It made me miss being blonde
2. It made me miss you all so much. So. So. So. So. Much.

My family is the greatest gift Jesus has ever given me. In a world that's so rampant with hurt, abuse and horrible family trauma...my family has been a stark and beautiful contrast. No matter how far, no matter how annoyed, no matter how much I've pretended to hate...I cannot deny my binding love for my family. As I get older I realize more and more how thankful and blessed I am to call myself a daughter of Jennifer and Gregory Praniewicz...and a sister to Shelli and Nicci. Each one of them in their own way has been a hero to me. I could spend hours writing about their gifts, apologizing for being such a sarcastic brute at times and hours thanking each one for their love - but I'd pray and hope at the end of the day, they could each feel it without me having to express a word.

Gosh, I'm sappy tonight.

"Home" what an interesting word. A word that is SO deep, so meaningful, so important to each and every one of us whether we deny it or not. We all have our "homes" the places we rest our heads at night - the place we feel most comfortable in our own skin...

Or do we?

Poetry rambles?

White roses and summer breeze...
sitting under nameless trees. 

You wear your heart on your sleeve and I'll wear mine

Tonight we'll be invincible, just you and I.

I want to be a Jewel. Do you?

Wow. You know, you really shouldn't eat Sour Patch Kid candies while you're in the middle of a once-a-day, 14 day, 3D Crest white strip treatment for your teeth. (That was quite the sentence if I do say so myself.) 


I feel like a invisible gremlin is driving razor sharp toothpicks into the roots of my precious bicuspids.


I'm not sure if it's normal to feel this much sensitivity during a whitening treatment? Perhaps my teeth will fall out. Maybe I should have just been happy with the slightly dingy yellowness? That's better than having no teeth at all. 


*sigh*


The things we do for beauty. 

Well, I came on here to actually write about something, so I suppose I should get started. *ehhem* Here we go!