Impatient Gamers and my rambles about them

I have a pet peeve. Impatient Spiral Knight players.

For those of you who don't know, Spiral Knights is a massively multiplayer online role-playing game...I suppose I could have just said "MMO", but I am definitely trying to sound nerdier than I actually am. Is it working? heh.

Basically, you run around as a little Knight character you've created (mine's name is Junit) killing toaster-looking creatures, jelly cubes and various other villains. When you're not in the midst of battle, you can trade things with other players, improve your weapons and...well, not much else.

Tonight I played a little. Nothing major, just you know, sharpened the good ol' Tempered Caliber a bit.
Considering the boyfriend was asleep I decided to play a little on my own and since I didn't want to venture into the depths of battle alone...I created a "team" and invited random other people to join.

Two guys joined my little Knight posse. I could instantly tell their equipment far surpassed mine; it was much shiner and much much larger. At first glance my mind started wondering how their little knight arms could carry such large metal swords? I also found it funny that the Knight with the giant blue shocking sword was wearing a cowboy hat. A cowboy hat? Really? Who are you trying to be Mr. Knight Cowboy? Sir King Arthur John Wayne?

Whatever.
Who am I to judge. I suppose my Knight has pink eyeballs and a stylish pumpkin bomb belt...so I can't judge too much.

(See, isn't she CUTE!?) 

Alright, so anyways. We began playing and almost instantly I could tell Sir Arthur John Wayne and I were going to have a problem. Sure he was a super awesome player with a big giant super awesome shocky sword...but he was impatient and I found it rather annoying to fight toasters with him. He'd run off ahead of the posse; leaving treasure behind, boxes un-opened and nooks n' crannies unexplored. It was almost like he was saying "Pssh...look at me and my big shiny shocky sword! I don't need any of that stuff and I'll blow right through this level just to show you how awesome I am." Over and over he'd run off ahead of  the rest of us and he'd sit waiting at the elevator (the area that takes you to the next level) typing "hurry up" "you don't need anything else" "come to the elevator" "you guys are SUPER BORING" "n00bs" etc. etc. etc. 

I wanted to take his cowboy hat and feed it to the fire breathing toasters, but, instead I found myself trying desperately to keep up with him, to play the game the way he wanted me to. I realized about 20 minutes into playing that I was actually severely frustrated and simply clicked out of the game. It wasn't fun. It wasn't a relaxing evening of blowing up jelly-cubes. No. It had become a competition for all of us to get through the quickest, to seem the most experienced. Soon after I exited out of the game, sorely disappointed in the way the virtual evening ensued...

Of course, you know me...I had to sit awhile and figure out why in the world I was so annoyed, and I came to this conclusion: Sir Arthur John Wayne... reminded me of myself.

I've been told a lot "you're rushing through life kid." "You're impatient" "You're going to look back and wish you had stopped and smelled the roses." "Why don't you slow down a little!" as absolutely ludicrous as it sounds, I didn't realize something until this night of playing a stupid knight game. Maybe they're right? I have gone through some things very quickly in life. I've known where I've wanted to be...so in a sense...I've rushed a little to get there. Now that I'm thinking about it, I wonder how many friends would tell me at different times I've acted like this pushy cowboy-knight guy did tonight? Hurry up! Hurry up! Let's go!

Whew. That's a tough pill to swallow. 

I think this season in my life is really teaching me to SLOW DOWN...to explore what the journey holds, to not just rush through life like my knight teammate did tonight. Overall...TO TRUST JESUS. I want to put some roots down, invest into people and take my sweeeeeet time in this next chapter of life. It's exciting really, I'm ready for this next adventure.

I'm ready to slow down and smell the roses a little....to enjoy where I am and the people around me. 

Sweet dreams and best wishes. 

I'm happy. I promise.

Oh no...

I realized something last night. My blog posts are depressing. Well, most of them.
I mean, I must write when I'm pondering (one of my least favorite words) hard subjects. Or something. Because good grief, it sounds like I'm the saddest person in the whole entire world. Or the most serious person in the whole entire world.

Either way; zomgsh.
So not good.

I promise, I laugh and smile A LOT these days. Probably more than a person ought too.
So, that's all I wanted to write tonight, just a short blog post saying I'M SO HAPPY! Jesus is good and His blessings never cease. :)

Currently I'm...

• Busy planning a Christmas Party for the College Group I volunteer at. 
• Working on finishing up a Children's book in time for Christmas
• Waiting for one of the many places I interviewed with to get back with me :) 
• Trying to grow my hair out again (grow little dead strands of Keratin! Grow!)
• Expanding my knowledge on Flash Animation and Web Design
• Getting my butt out of bed in the mornings and starting to run again
• Researching educational facilities to decide where I would like to eventually get my Masters Degree. 
• Watching WAY to many tutorials on special effect makeup design and film techniques 
• ...and getting to know this guy better: (He's so COOL!) 

Anyways, that's it. Just wanted to make sure ya'll knew I wasn't forever wallowing in a huge puddle of my tears or something. Hope you had a Happy Thanksgiving!!

The ship has sailed?

In life we're given choices; where to go to school, where to live, where to work, who to marry...endless choices.


We make our choices as best we can and then truck forward as the life-path that follows those choices is revealed. Sometimes regrets are inevitable, "Wow, I should have taken that job..." "Moving to Colorado was a bad choice..." etc. However, most of the time we move forward with our decisions, content with the path that results from our choices. However, occasionally someone or something pops up in the middle of our path that reminds us of the journey that could have ensued from making a different choice in regards to them/it. Sometimes they offer us a second chance to experience what's down the un-explored path. It's tempting, it's alluring to a curious soul...but is it and should it...be welcomed and experienced? Sometimes it's painful to re-live those thoughts. Sometimes it's a beautiful memory. What do you do when it's both? What do you do when you desperately want to experience what "could have been" but you also love the life-path your currently on? 


It's a hard question to answer. 
A question that I will probably always struggle with. 

This particular scenario reminds me of the movie "The Family Man." My friend Mindy reminded me of this movie today...and what a great movie it is. The IMDb synopsis reads: 

"A fast-lane investment broker, offered the opportunity to see how the other half lives, wakes up to find that his sports car and girlfriend have become a mini-van and wife." 

But it's more than that, really. It's a beautiful story about what could have been, about dreams un-shared and memories never revealed. The main character gets to experience life down another path...a path he previously ignored. It wasn't a life path as glamorous as his previous life...but it was filled with LOVE and a beautiful family. It's a story about examining what you want out of life, about what's important - it's a good reminder for me to do this in my own life. Of course, as Hollywood usually does, they wrap up the story with sparkles, bubbles and happy rainbows. Everyone lives happily ever after (or so they lead us to believe) and the audience is left with feelings of warm fuzzies inside. 

Part of me is so jealous of this fictional Hollywood character. I desperately want a glimpse down the unknown paths that lie ahead and the ones I left behind. I want to know the "What if's" and "What could have beens." I want to know if I made the right choice, or if I should have taken the non-logical path because it would have held...more. "More" not in terms of wordly gain...but "more" of something else. You know, happy stuff? 

Gah. My head is pounding. 

Why did Jesus give me a brain so capable of thinking? 

Sometimes I would rather think about easy things...like...say...puppies, or, clouds. 

*sigh*

I think at the end of the day though...

What gives me peace with the "what if's" and the "could-of-would-of-should-ofs" is the stark reality that the paths I take and the decisions I make...come complete with the peace only the savior can provide. I can't start thinking too much in terms of "Well I should have..." or "I wonder..." because I realize I'm right where I am...because I'm supposed to be here...because that's where Jesus put me. Although my current position may hold struggles or I may be tempted to daydream, think in terms of regrets or think only in the "what if's"...the resonating thought I'm left with is always "Be content in the NOW." Dreams and the "what if's" often aren't as lovely when they become reality. Often it's easier said than done though...

Each day holds choices...what are you going to chose today? 

Regrets and mistakes they're memories made, 

who would have known how bitter-sweet this would taste.

-Adele  

When a man says..."I want to be your biggest fan."

I once had a guy that I was dating tell me: "I figured you were tired of hearing you were beautiful, so...I decided before we were dating that I wasn't going to tell you that often." 


I wish I could go back in time and change what I said to him. In fact, I can't even remember what I replied with. I'm sure it was something half-stunned and not very accurate to what I was feeling in that moment. If I could scuttle into a time-machine and transport myself back to that moment I would give him a solid piece of advice that I think would help him in his later years of dealing with women...

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?" 

I think that's pretty accurate to what I was feeling in that moment.
You know, and now that I think about it, maybe he was trying to make it sound like a half sort of complement? Maybe? I guess I'll never truly know...but, I would like to translate that seemingly innocent statement to what a woman hears:

"Hi, I'm the man who you adore the most...the man you absolutely love...the man you really only care to look beautiful for...and I've decided I'm not going to tell you you're pretty."


The first part of the statement ("I figured you were tired of...bla bla bla") is almost completely un-heard and irrelevant to a woman. She'll take the last part of the statement ("...So I've decided to not tell you that often...") and it'll feel like a small knife to her heart.

It doesn't matter if she's the most beautiful woman in the world and everybody has told her 10,000x...she CRAVES to hear it from you, the man she loves, more than anyone.

ANYONE.
Anyone.

Got it? (Men, go tell your woman she's pretty)

Women are strong creatures, but we're also very vulnerable, very fragile. I know some women will probably disagree, but I'd say as a general statement this is extremely true. We are sensitive, so deal with us gently.

I've always fancied myself a strong-willed woman; I'm highly independent and extremely adventurous. I've known what I've wanted for a long time and I've ventured out to try and make those dreams happen...but deep down, there will always be the desire to be taken care of and loved more than anything else. It's innate to women, we're wired this way.

Jamers recently called me up out of the blue and said "Hey babe, I just wanted to call and tell you that I'm sorry...I'm sorry I haven't been your biggest fan as much as I should be. I want to be your biggest fan and I'm going to work on that." I was completely surprised by his apology and frankly couldn't understand what he meant. I mean, James is the kind of guy who will show up on your doorstep with a rose in hand and a ridiculous grin on his face. The kind of guy who hands you a little gourd and says "I got this for you to put by your bed...for Fall!" I mean, really? I gourd!? What kind of man goes out of his way to buy you a gourd to put by your bed for the Fall season? AN AMAZING MAN. That's what kind of man. (Men, go buy your woman a gourd)

Anyways...

I didn't understand his apology...until tonight.

Yesterday I put together a Pinterest Board of pictures that inspire me (decorating wise) for my future apartment. Now, I'm nowhere near getting an apartment, or have the kind of money that it would take to decorate an apartment this way; but I still immensely enjoy planning and brainstorming ideas for the future. Last night I asked him if he had seen any of the pictures (I was curious to see what he thought of my style) and he responded with "Oh, no? I didn't see them...I'll have to check them out tomorrow after work." No problem. It wasn't of dire importance that he look at the pictures and I honestly wouldn't have minded if he never even looked at them.

Today James spent around 9 hours washing windows. I can only imagine how tired and hungry he must be when he gets off work...9 hours of window washing!? That's tough. Especially on top of being a full time creative genius filmmaker man.

Despite that though, I received a text from him around 7:00pm that read: "Just got home from work, I'm gonna go inside and check out your picture postings!" 


I was blown away.

I literally could not believe he remembered (after washing windows for hours, being probably starving and extremely tired) to look at my silly pictures.

THEN, he called me...to talk about my pictures.
TO TALK ABOUT MY PICTURES!

He wanted to know where I drew my inspiration from, why I liked the colors I liked, he gave ideas for art and just listened to me babble on excitedly about each and every little minute detail (knowing all the while that it wasn't even a possibility at this point to implement any of these ideas.)

Wow.

In that moment I got it; James is my biggest fan.

What makes me excited, makes him excited.
What makes me happy, makes him happy.
What's important to me...often comes before what's important to him.
And he never makes me feel anything short of brilliant.

I've never had a biggest fan like him. He unashamedly protects me and flaunts me, see's through my "independent" exterior to my softness and genuinely takes interest in whatever I'm excited about. It's beautiful.

I don't think he truly knows the kind of impression he's leaving on my heart, but I do hope he knows It makes me want to strive more to be HIS biggest fan, to go out of my way to make him feel special and remembered.

It means very little to have everybody tell you you're special, loved or beautiful...but it means EVERYTHING to have one person...a biggest fan.

Sure there will be plenty squabbles to come, but it's been a huge blessing to me to realize my biggest fan isn't someone sitting somewhere on the sidelines. He's the person right there in the midst of the game, playing right along side me, encouraging me and frankly, taking the bigger beating for me - I think we're off to a great start.

Thank you for looking at my pictures Jamers. :)

How to run a Successful Student Film Casting Call.

So, you wanna host a casting call eh?

First off, know what you’re getting into. Running a successful casting call in Michigan (Especially a Student-film Casting call) is like trying to…well, um…basically it’s just a lot of hard work. Don’t just think because your film has an awesome title thralls of actors are going to rush to your audition location by the Craiglist posting they found.

It doesn’t work that way. At least, not here. It honestly is “hit or miss” sometimes, but these tips will hopefully make it more of a “hit.”

What you need to know and what you need to do to have a successful Casting Call:

• STEP 1. Decide who is going to be in charge of the casting process and create an E-mail address for this short film. You don’t want to use your personal E-mail addy. In this case our E-mail address will be: billysgoldfishthefilm@gmail.com. Check this E-mail OFTEN and respond to EVERY email inquiry about the short film (But make sure it’s ONE person who’s doing the responding). Be professional and use correct grammar and spelling. Even if someone sends and E-mail that says “Hey I herd about this movie at Craigslist here is my picture, I want to be billy.” – THIS COULD BE YOUR BILLY, so don’t you dare not E-mail him back. Or worse, don’t you dare not E-mail him back professionally. Make sure you start it out with “Thank you for your interest in auditioning for Cornerstone University’s short film “Billy’s Goldfish.” And then go on to answer any questions or give more details. Etc.

• STEP 2. Secondly, create a universal posting that you can submit through E-mail, online and to casting directors. It should sound something like this:

Cornerstone University is hosting a Casting Call, APRIL 2nd 7-9pm (come anytime) for “Billy’s Goldfish”- a Short film about a young boy and his magical fish.

(Basically, state the important stuff first and then give a catchy brief description of the film- in this case, it’s about a boy and his magical fish. I mean, COME ONE, who wouldn’t want to audition for this short film!!)  Next, tell them who you’re looking for and any physical description you have for that character!  

First Aid Kit

Most of you don't know I have a slight obsession with NPR.

Well, I guess now you do...
Shoot, I'm giving away all my quirky secrets.

One of the reasons I love NPR is because I'm introduced to a plethora of musical genres and artists I don't think I'd normally stumble across. Meet my newest Swedish folk-duo love; First Aid Kit.

These lovely sisters; Johanna (21) and Klara (18) Soderberg were discovered on the internet in 2008 when they preformed a cover of "Tiger Mountain Peasant Song" by the Fleet Foxes (a well known Folk band). Not soon after, their musical career was launched...and they've been gaining popularity ever since. (Watch, in a couple months to a year, I bet you'll hear them on some popular channels etc.)

Here's the cover that launched their career:

Sisters always have the best harmony. :)
This is the first song I heard from them on NPR. I wrote the name of their band on the back of a Taco Bell receipt so I could look them up after work that day...so glad I did.



I wish them the very best and can't wait to hear more on their Sophomore LP, which is out January 24th.

What do you guys think of them? 

Apologies and future hopes.

Forewarning, this post is long and emotionally rampant...


To feel "alone" is something I've always felt comfortable with.
I like me, for the most part.
I'm an semi-tolerable creation I suppose.

God has been doing some  A LOT of work in my heart this past year. A lot of work.

I remember as a kid, when alfalfa harvesting season would come and the farmers would bail the hay into large cylinder shapes; I'd venture outside, scuttle up the side of the bail and sit for hours on top. Thinking. Being alone. Enjoying the solitude, the wind, the sky above and the sounds of nature. Being alone and private in my thoughts has always been a form of healing for me.

I guess some of you know that, but for some of you that might come as a surprise. On personality tests I score off the charts "extrovert" but, deep inside...I know I have quite a few introvert traits.

I remember a lot from my childhood. Mostly good things, but I do remember hard things, bad things, things that made me want to go sit on that hay bail....things that made me want to be alone. As a kid, I guess I always felt the need to listen, but not to be heard. I was the person my friends would come to, the person who would want to help but never let on she needed help as well. This damaged me. I guess you could say it made me a bit of a mute. To want to speak, but to not know how to communicate your feelings is a scary thing. To have all these things whirling inside you, eating and tearing you up inside is horrible, it's hard. It separates you and makes you hard to connect with emotionally.

You feel distant, disconnected and alone.
But, on the other hand, you feel powerful...it's an addictive feeling...
You feel like you're a leader, strong and capable of trudging through the darkest, deepest parts of life and that nothing will harm you. It's a deeply false sense of protection though and the day will come when you have to make a choice; begin to speak...or slowly die.

Maybe that sounds overly dramatic, but for me (and others like me) I'm assuming it's true. To die physically is sad, but it's apart of life for all of us. However, to die emotionally...to live a hollow shell of a life isn't natural...and I would argue possibly a greater grief than the latter form of death.

These past 5-6 months have really been hard, but good. I've been alone physically...removed from my friends/family and stuck in a completely new place. There are no maple trees here, no stars and definitely no hay bails to sit on. I left home leaving behind a beautiful family, a few close friends and a wonderful man. Those ties apparently haven't been as strong as I once hoped they were, and that's mostly my fault. I haven't called home as much as I should, I've neglected my sisters, the relationship with the wonderful man painfully died, I've missed skype dates and I've had several close friends tell me; "You've abandoned us."

Wow...what a dagger to the heart.

The stark reality of WHAT I'VE BECOME, what I've allowed myself to become has really been penetrating my heart this morning. I guess all I can say is that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not making my friends and family more of a priority, I'm sorry for not talking about my heart, for not letting you in...and for only flapping my gums because I've thought I could "help you with your problems." I'm sorry for hurting you and I'm sorry if you've felt I've abandoned you. You're right. I've been a fool...and alone fool.

Although some distance (both physical and emotional) is inevitable when someone moves away...I do think you're right to some degree, I do still struggle with the addictive and powerful feeling of wanting to do things on my own, the fear of getting too close and the crippling feeling of "nobody will care if I share anyways."

It's horribly sad, really.

Like a tornado, God has been moving in my life fast and powerfully. When he shows me something He shows it quickly and deeply. I'm learning. Please be patient with me.

I don't know if he'll ever read this, but I still want to write it as well. To the man who loved me so rightfully and so deeply, I'm sorry for the pain we went through. I'm sorry for all the teary nights, the crazy pills and the love I could never give you that you so deeply demonstrated to me. YOU were a beautiful part and a huge catalyst in helping me continue to talk, helping me become more me, helping me become a more beautiful woman and a future wife for my husband. You taught me a lot. Even though "we" weren't right for forever, we were right for that moment in time and I cannot thank you enough and do hope someday you will forgive me for my part in the pain. I hope I was a blessing to you, at least a small one...I pray someday you can remember the laughter and look back on us with smiles.

Anyways, enough about that. Life is beautiful isn't it?
Jesus is beautiful isn't He?

His never ending Grace, Promises and Love is enough.
His blessings are new each morning...and WOW does he bless us in unexpected ways.

As I sit here a little teary eyed, thinking about how I've hurt people, thinking about how I've abandoned some friends, feeling rather alone...I cannot help but feel his arms warp around me and him whispering "Don't worry kiddo, I'll always be here." It gives me a hope for the future and a hope for change.

The change in me brings great excitement...
I feel like a butterfly...I'm just breaking out of my cocoon...I promise, I'll be soaring soon.

Talk so somebody today...
Open up and love someone with no regrets.

Love, The Seducer.

Instead of writing a slew of words before the poem, I'll just let ya'll read the poem...and then I'll tell you below...what I was thinking when I wrote it :) Enjoy.

Love, The Seducer.

We spend our lives crying out for something more than what we cling to presently.

We’re never fully satisfied, our parched throats are rarely quenched and our hungry hearts growl in despair, longing to be fed by, Love. She beautifully dances around’ us elusively, relentlessly bantering us with her desirability. Morning and night she coyly flirts’ her lusciousness, daring us to take a small nibble. She traces her dainty finger down his lonely chest and whispers sweet nothings’ into her forgotten ears: “You’re desired”, “You’re exceptional” she smiles timidly...“Come, let me nourish your pitiful heart.”

Love… is a clever seductress, an alluring temptress.

So often, we too easily fall victim to Love’s attractive desires.

With erroneous motives and elementary reasoning as our leads, we blindly stumble down her warped and twisted path. We trudge forward without much care or concern; for her drained compliments and flattering lies quell our barren hearts for the moment.

We convince ourselves we’re satisfied, our hearts are finally fulfilled!

Although, we quickly discover her words are laden with honey, which turn bitter soon after we gulp them.

In this moment of sickly comprehension, we cry out to her in regretful anguish: “My Love! My Love! Is it true you’re a deceiver?” Her reply comes as a meaningless, seductive wink… and she turns to abandon us without the slightest ounce of remorse or penitence. We find ourselves alone, broken and confused… and once again, within the caverns of our chest, the bottomless grumbling from an ever-starving heart begins.

Love… is a clever seductress, an alluring temptress.