Apologies and future hopes.

Forewarning, this post is long and emotionally rampant...


To feel "alone" is something I've always felt comfortable with.
I like me, for the most part.
I'm an semi-tolerable creation I suppose.

God has been doing some  A LOT of work in my heart this past year. A lot of work.

I remember as a kid, when alfalfa harvesting season would come and the farmers would bail the hay into large cylinder shapes; I'd venture outside, scuttle up the side of the bail and sit for hours on top. Thinking. Being alone. Enjoying the solitude, the wind, the sky above and the sounds of nature. Being alone and private in my thoughts has always been a form of healing for me.

I guess some of you know that, but for some of you that might come as a surprise. On personality tests I score off the charts "extrovert" but, deep inside...I know I have quite a few introvert traits.

I remember a lot from my childhood. Mostly good things, but I do remember hard things, bad things, things that made me want to go sit on that hay bail....things that made me want to be alone. As a kid, I guess I always felt the need to listen, but not to be heard. I was the person my friends would come to, the person who would want to help but never let on she needed help as well. This damaged me. I guess you could say it made me a bit of a mute. To want to speak, but to not know how to communicate your feelings is a scary thing. To have all these things whirling inside you, eating and tearing you up inside is horrible, it's hard. It separates you and makes you hard to connect with emotionally.

You feel distant, disconnected and alone.
But, on the other hand, you feel powerful...it's an addictive feeling...
You feel like you're a leader, strong and capable of trudging through the darkest, deepest parts of life and that nothing will harm you. It's a deeply false sense of protection though and the day will come when you have to make a choice; begin to speak...or slowly die.

Maybe that sounds overly dramatic, but for me (and others like me) I'm assuming it's true. To die physically is sad, but it's apart of life for all of us. However, to die emotionally...to live a hollow shell of a life isn't natural...and I would argue possibly a greater grief than the latter form of death.

These past 5-6 months have really been hard, but good. I've been alone physically...removed from my friends/family and stuck in a completely new place. There are no maple trees here, no stars and definitely no hay bails to sit on. I left home leaving behind a beautiful family, a few close friends and a wonderful man. Those ties apparently haven't been as strong as I once hoped they were, and that's mostly my fault. I haven't called home as much as I should, I've neglected my sisters, the relationship with the wonderful man painfully died, I've missed skype dates and I've had several close friends tell me; "You've abandoned us."

Wow...what a dagger to the heart.

The stark reality of WHAT I'VE BECOME, what I've allowed myself to become has really been penetrating my heart this morning. I guess all I can say is that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not making my friends and family more of a priority, I'm sorry for not talking about my heart, for not letting you in...and for only flapping my gums because I've thought I could "help you with your problems." I'm sorry for hurting you and I'm sorry if you've felt I've abandoned you. You're right. I've been a fool...and alone fool.

Although some distance (both physical and emotional) is inevitable when someone moves away...I do think you're right to some degree, I do still struggle with the addictive and powerful feeling of wanting to do things on my own, the fear of getting too close and the crippling feeling of "nobody will care if I share anyways."

It's horribly sad, really.

Like a tornado, God has been moving in my life fast and powerfully. When he shows me something He shows it quickly and deeply. I'm learning. Please be patient with me.

I don't know if he'll ever read this, but I still want to write it as well. To the man who loved me so rightfully and so deeply, I'm sorry for the pain we went through. I'm sorry for all the teary nights, the crazy pills and the love I could never give you that you so deeply demonstrated to me. YOU were a beautiful part and a huge catalyst in helping me continue to talk, helping me become more me, helping me become a more beautiful woman and a future wife for my husband. You taught me a lot. Even though "we" weren't right for forever, we were right for that moment in time and I cannot thank you enough and do hope someday you will forgive me for my part in the pain. I hope I was a blessing to you, at least a small one...I pray someday you can remember the laughter and look back on us with smiles.

Anyways, enough about that. Life is beautiful isn't it?
Jesus is beautiful isn't He?

His never ending Grace, Promises and Love is enough.
His blessings are new each morning...and WOW does he bless us in unexpected ways.

As I sit here a little teary eyed, thinking about how I've hurt people, thinking about how I've abandoned some friends, feeling rather alone...I cannot help but feel his arms warp around me and him whispering "Don't worry kiddo, I'll always be here." It gives me a hope for the future and a hope for change.

The change in me brings great excitement...
I feel like a butterfly...I'm just breaking out of my cocoon...I promise, I'll be soaring soon.

Talk so somebody today...
Open up and love someone with no regrets.