Read and share with me in my journey.

I've had a reaccouring dream for awhile. 

(No mom, not the one about the giant rat, wearing a purple shirt, chasing me around the backyard of our old house on Elmdale...) 

In fact, this dream isn't really a literal dream at all. It's a figurative dream, I guess we could call it a wish, or a hope, perhaps?

I hate goodbyes, most people don't know that, but I do. Goodbyes wreck my soul. I act like they don’t, but they do. So, because of this it's a struggle for me to get close to people, or even to sometimes maintain friendships. It's quite sad, know. I think it's a weakness I'll always struggle with.

Why does it matter if I don’t like goodbyes? Well, as I already stated above, I have a dream. It's a thread of a dream that started a long time ago...I can now clearly see it woven throughout every single facet of my life. There's a story my mom often tells about little me- Apparently I was quite fearless when I was a squirt. To my mother’s dismay, I'd often march on ahead of her- head held high, reaching out to random strangers hands to help lead me along. I guess you could say I didn't really bother me to wander off ahead...to make a few adventures.

Fast forward a few years- when I was 14 (some of you will remember), I made up my mind I was going to go to the country of Panama on a mission’s trip. So I did. The funny thing is, I was about three months late signing up for the trip and was told I wouldn't have enough time to raise support. In a little over 3 months, I raised the needed 4,000 dollars to go. Now, obviously, a lot of thanks goes out to my Savior, family, friends and supporters...but still, I see the thread of the dream throughout this story.

I'm going to fast forward again; this time to late high school. My junior year of high school I decided I wanted to attend college in California. I wasn't sure what I was going to major in...but I just knew I wanted to go to California. When senior year rolled around and I turned 16, I started counting down the days until graduation. Literally, I had a countdown that exceeded 200 days. Pretty insane…

When graduation rolled around, I was happier than a clam. My dreams weren't yet a reality, but I was definitely tossing all of my eggs in one basket. Whatever it took, I was sure I was going to attend school in the Orange County area.

Well, the summer after graduation, my mom and I took a trip to California (to visit family and a few colleges). I was hooked. I was captivated the minute we stepped foot off of the plane. Don't get me wrong, I had been to CA plenty of times, but for some reason, this time was different. I felt more comfortable in my skin than I had in a long time: the bustle, the palm trees, the sun, the vibrancy- I was home. I definitely didn't look like a Californian woman, but my little gangly fair skinned self, was home. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I could say "hello" to people without feeling like I would be saying "goodbye" soon. I wanted to start college, right then and there. This was it. I was ready to go! Spread my wings and fl...

It was too expensive.

Reality slapped me across the face like a very ornery grandma. 

Without a God ordained miracle, my little butt was going to go back to, MI. To sit, and wait, and dream, and tear myself up inside. But that's what I did. I went home. I went home because I didn’t have the money and it would put me so far into debt, I would be struggling to pay it off for decades. I went home with a broken heart and an ache...an ache for my dreams, stronger than I had felt in my little 16 yr. old heart, before. Reality was so cruel.

I had only applied to one school back home, Cornerstone- and so that's where I went. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to attend. Or, at least, I wanted to do something...to move forward in some sort of direction. I've loved my time at Cornerstone, but, I haven't always made the best of it and I do regret some things. I've struggled, I've been absent (in mind and body) and I haven't made a lot of friends, mostly because I'm so future focused...and afraid of saying goodbyes. Because I've always known that this place is temporary. However, I cherish the few close friends, teachers and mentors that I have had...and I laugh at the memories we've shared. You know who you are- and I'm forever grateful you took the time to get to know me (even if I didn’t seem approachable), invest in me and help shape me into who I am. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Graduation is next Saturday. 

I've made it. I've made it in three years, with a B.A in media/video production (emphasis in Producing). I'm proud of that, I'm proud of my hard work and dedication. However, I'm mostly glad I'm done, simple because if I would have stayed any longer- I don't think I would have made it.

There were so many times I've broken down throughout these past three years. So many times I've wanted to quit simply because I've felt so out of place- There were so many times I felt like I could just stand up in the middle of a class room lecture and yell: "WHAT AM I DOING HERE?!" It's been a rough journey and I've felt very lost and alone at times- and the worst part is...nobody has known that. I should have told someone, I shouldn't have tried to do it alone. 

I owe a lot to my mom. She's a superhero, and I can only hope to be half as great as her someday. She's been the one to help me through most of the tough times...she's been the one to encourage and push me forward when I've been at my lowest low. She's been the one to remind me of my dreams and to let me know that I AM getting there...even if it doesn't feel like it. I wouldn't have made it without her. Besides my mom, I owe a lot to my other moms- Robyn and Aunt Deb. Thank you for being constant encouragers and strong women of faith. I look up to you both more than I will EVER be able to put into words. Thanks for believing in me :)

…And obviously, I can't name everyone- but each and everyone who probably reads this has been an encouragement to me at some point in my life, Thank you.

And so, why am I writing this? Maybe I just needed to journal it out. I have a few friends who I admire, who say journaling is good. But, I also wanted to share it...I don't want to keep myself to myself anymore. I want people to know what's going on in my life and to be able to understand me a little bit more. I want to have accountability, I want people to pray for me, I want you to know that I don't have it all together- and that at this very minute in my life...I'm more scared than I have been in a long time.

I'm scared of the future. I'm scared of my dream- yes...the dream that I've held on to for so long, mostly because more so than ever, it's a reality…and it’s snuck up on me. I’m leaving for California soon. Very soon. I'm scared of the unknown. I'm scared of getting out there and not making it. I'm scared I've invested too much into this one thing and I won't like it. I’m scared of saying my “goodbyes” to people here, that I don’t want to say goodbye to. I’m scared of hurting people and being hurt. However, if there's one thing I'm not scared of...it's trying. I know I have to try. And so, here I go. I'm going to pack my little giraffe print suitcases, put on my big girl pants and put 110% into this...because for the first time in a long time...I feel purpose, I feel alive and I feel the adventure and dream I've been waiting for, for so long.

I know this is just the beginning and in 10/20/30 years I’m going to look back on this blog post and laugh- but the difference is, I want people to laugh with me this time. I don’t want to be alone. So, share with me in this journey of…well, self discovery and adventure I guess.

I’ll keep you posted on when I’m leaving. 

Thank you SO much, from the bottom of my heart for your prayers and encouragement through this time.

Lots of Love,