Is Love JUST a Choice?

I, like many of you, have grown up with the saying "Love is a Choice." etched into my brain and soul from a very young age. I've seen a little of the good, the bad and the ugly of marriage and I can understand why people would say the previous statement with such fervent passion...I guess when you get down to the nitty gritty of love, it is a choice. It's a grin and bear it, hold-on-when-you-don't-want-to kind of thing...at least, that's what I assume (not being married and all).

I get that.

I respect that.

I want a husband who's going to love me for forever. We're a team. We're going to be fighters. We're going to love when we don't want to and make the choice to stay committed no matter what. Why? Because...Love IS a choice. A choice, a choice, a choice, a choice.

But, with this said, I hate that statement with a welling passion.

Loath it.

I want to run over it with a Army tank, feed it to a thousand sharks and then send a pack of wild rhinos to trample over it...that's how much I hate that statement.

Why?

Because, I believe it has done a horrible disservice to me (and probably many others like me) in my search for love throughout the years.

I was never a "I'm a princess and I'm going to find my one and only true love" kind of girl. I never thought about fairy-tales or "happily ever after" or anything of that sort as a child. Marriage to me was (and frankly has been) a little taboo...something a little scary...something not fun, perhaps? And, I honestly think one of the reasons for this (among others I'm sure) is because of the statement; "Love is a choice." Relationships have always been a sort of checklist, a very well thought out, logical decision of sorts. Does he love Jesus? Check. Does he make me laugh? Check. Does he have the potential to love me even when I've been an absolute donkey to him for a week straight, have fed him spam for 3 dinners in a row and have made him clean and re-clean around the toilet with a toothbrush 47 times? Uhh...check? Well, I guess we have the potential to fall in love! We'll make it, because...love is a choice after all...right? right? Right guys?

I mean, think about it. If love is JUST a choice. Why do we discourage Betsy Jo from marrying not-so-great Johnny over there? Why not just get married? Why not just marry someone walking down the street? People criticize people (especially in the Christian realm) for analyzing their dates too much, or for having high expectations, BUT, by what criteria are they to choose a spouse...if love is JUST a choice? 

Fr. Karol Wojtylas has a book called "Love and Responsibility". In it he writes that Biblical love isn't JUST a choice, but a choice based on TRUTH.  Wojtyla states: "Only true knowledge of a person makes it possible to commit one's freedom to him or her." This is because, "True love, a love that is internally complete, is one in which we choose the person for the sake of the person - that in which a man chooses a woman or a woman chooses a man not just as a sexual ‘partner' but as the person on whom to bestow the gift of his or her own life."

Translation: We must know the truth of the person (the nitty gritty details!) to whom we're committing and also know ourselves (and be HONEST about ourselves) in light of God's truth, otherwise love is "blind" and not love at all.  This is because we don't just marry a generic man or woman, but a unique, complex person created with dignity and in the image of God.

Further Translation: Do not just simply choose to love...LOVE your choice. 

See, although I agree with the statement "Love is a Choice." I also hate the statement. Because it's like Pepper without Salt. It's like Cheese without the Mac n'. Emotional warmth IS important in a relationship and I believe it's something that is NEVER shared enough in the Christian realm, or on the other-hand...it's over shared and you end up with a relationship simply based off of feelings. I think with divorce rates skyrocketing and broken families everywhere, we as Christians are quick to throw out that statement "Well, love is a Choice, you've made it, now stick to it!" but it so often falls on deaf ears, because without the Biblical TRUTH of love behind a choice...love is a HARD choice. A very, very, very hard choice and it seems, an easier alternative would be to simply throw the towel in. It's sad but it's true.

(I'd like to pause a moment and make sure ya'll know I'm not at all advocating divorce) 

When emotional warmth and a love which is based on TRUTH is combined...I believe you have a winning combination. This kind of love requires nurturing, and a proper amount of time to unfold and allowing for this time isn't the same as fear of commitment or avoidance of responsibility. This amount of time is different for everyone and includes logistics. 

Right here is where I might push some peoples buttons and create some tension...

Let's say we know a couple who has the "ideal" relationship. They both love Jesus, camping, children and puppies. They've been together for 4 years (in a dating relationship) and all of their friends believe they will get married and live happily ever after. Let's hypothetically say...the man in the relationship decides to walk away. To end his part in the relationship. To break up with her. Is he in the wrong? Sure he sounds like a shmuck but in this hypothetical relationship neither party has done anything wrong to one another...he simply decides he cannot (for whatever reason) marry this woman. Although there will be lots of opinions and much heart ache for everyone involved...I do not believe he is wrong.

In our Western culture, we believe in this thing called "dating" with it comes free-will...but also responsibility. It can take 4 years or more to decide to not marry someone (hopefully not), but on the other hand, it can become apparent to others within 5 months or shorter that they've found their spouse.

I guess I just wanted to mention this for people to mull over...to think about. Sure we want our friends and family to be cautious and careful when executing their choice regarding relationships, but at the same time...if they've fully understood that love is a choice based on BIBLICAL truth, who are we to judge? We're not. That's between them and the Lord. If they truly are executing their relationship in a healthy manner, seeking counsel and being honest with one another...fleeting opinions matter little. 

I'm sure some people can and DO absolutely fall in love with people because they first choose to love them (without much feeling involved at first). I'm sure there are plenty of successful marriages out there that started this way...but...I just wanted to write a blog post to tell you that it's ok. It's ok to not be ok with what should be a perfect relationship because he/she "fits the requirements" and will pass the "love is a choice test" 30 years down the road. It's ok to walk away when everybody is telling you "Wow, that guy/girl you're dating is really great." Why is it ok? Because...YOU'RE going to be married to them, not everybody else. And frankly, when it comes down to the nitty gritty and the tough stuff...do you want to be married to someone that you simply choose to love...or do you want to be married to someone that you love to choose?

I want to have someone that I LOVE to choose. Every day. Every hour. Every moment. I want to love to choose my husband. Because he's mine. Because he's the best even when he's not. Because for an explainable reason when everybody/everything else should have felt right...it felt wrong. But when he came into my life, it felt right.

  

In conclusion, thankfully, true love based on the proper amount of feelings and truth does not depend on our flawless execution of it. We've all failed (and will fail) in some capacity and "Will you forgive me?" will probably be a favorite statement for many. Fr. Wojtyla comforts his readers by reminding us of God's work in the lives of those who seek Him: "There is no need to be dismayed if love sometimes follows tortuous ways. Grace has the power to make straight the paths of human love."

I am so curious...what are YOUR thoughts regarding this subject? Where did I fall short in my rambles? I'd absolutely love to hear what you think and have to say!