A Source from Which the Crumbs are Crumbing.

Brace yourselves for the rambles from a sick-heads' head:


I feel crummy. At first I was going to use a different word to describe my current state of self. "Crummy" strikes me as a rather soft and squishy cake-like word. But, at the same time, I realize soft and squishy cakes can also be crumbling, and falling apart - this later thought more accuracy describes my physical and mental state as of now; falling apart. Crumb-like. Little morsels of my being are currently scattering every which way...and the sad part is...I'm not sure why.

My eyes are tearing. Perhaps, because I'm sick and they're watering. Maybe it's because, for some reason, the thought of me being cake-like is not very pleasant to my emotional state. (Heck, I don't even LIKE cake that much.) Who knows. All I know is that these tears, for some strange reason...sharpen my vision when I look through them. This is rather odd to me. One would think that tears would blur the vision...hmm...perhaps the light rays are bending just right off of the tiny moisture droplets within my eye-sockets...enhancing...

Forget it. I need to not delve any deeper into that train of thought. Back to cake. Back to life...

I'm crumbling. God. I need to pull myself together. Just with typing that word, "crumbling"...more  salty water droplets appeared into my eyes. It's a good thing the only others who can see me right now, are my stuffed owls and teddy bears. (And, they don't judge me, thankyouverymuch) I'm in a emotionally depleted state...and my hair looks like that of a scarecrows. Perhaps I should rummage around in it, for it looks large enough to be hiding something inside its' gigantic hair knot innards... *rummage* *rummage* *rummage*

I keep getting side tracked, back to cake. I'll comb my hair later. (PS. In case you were wondering, I found nothing inside.)

I feel like I'm falling apart. At 21 years old, I'm not sure that's a healthy thing. In fact, I know that's not a healthy thing. The worst part is, I'm not sure why I feel like I'm falling apart. By all worldly standards, I'm doing pretty well. I live in one of the wealthiest cities in the nation, I have a steady job (and, for that matter, health insurance for the first time! Woot!), a place to lay my head at night, a wonderful and supportive family...and yet...

Crumbs.

You know what I think it comes down to? I think...I'm lonely.

Los Angeles, is one of the busiest cities in the United States. Its population is diverse, and its' sub-cultures thriving with eclectic individuals. You would think after a year and a half of living here, I would have found my niche, my groove, my clan, my "peeps." (Did I really just say...peeps?) Some people think I'm an extrovert. And, I think at one point, I may have agreed with those people. However, these days...I'm much more timid in my approach to life. I'm trying to first listen, then speak. I spend more time inside baking banana bread, than I do outside partying with the rest of the 21 year olds. In fact, come to think of it, I don't really "party" at all. (Ha. Lame.) Instead, I like good books, I appreciate (maybe a tad more than I should) a nom nom cup of tea. I enjoy painting stupid robots and I really, really, really like deep conversation. The kind where you dig into each others bones, pull out the marrow and examine it under a conversational microscope. Intrusive? Perhaps. Kindred-spirit creating? Most definitely.

In a culture that's so predominantly shallow, I often feel lost here...and sorely unfulfilled. Sometimes, like tonight, heavy waves of emotion wash over me...nearly suffocating the leedle baby spirit flame that flickers within my soul. And when these waves come, the deep longing, and pull within my heart...is...to run. Who knows where I'd run to. I mean, the fact of the matter is, I cannot run anywhere. Responsibilities weigh me down, like a brick strapped to my feet. I feel (and perhaps I shouldn't, but I do) that I need to stay. That I have to stay. That, for Pete's sake, I've run too much already.

Even if I could run though, I'm not sure that I would. For, I know myself well enough by now, that this stubborn heart of mine is prone to wander, and very prone to leave behind. I often live in the mindset of "what's next?" and with one hand hanging onto a packed suitcase. Moreover, despite loving deep conversation, and feeling lonely, I'm really slow to open up and/or to feel as though I "need" people in MY life. It's probably the one thing that I dislike about myself the most. The fact that I'm a "developer" by trait ("Developer" was my top strength when I took the Strength-Quest test...you should totally look the test up). I LOVE to help people, I love to hear their problems and encourage them in their walk, but I very seldom open myself up to THEM to the point where I feel like if I left or if I ran...that I would miss them. Or, them, me. And, in the depths of my heart...this truly disgusts me. For several reasons, but the most being; with having this mindset, I've hurt a lot of dear friends. Relationships that I wish I could re-build, but don't even know where to start. And, up until a bit ago...never would have realized or admitted, that the end, or the "hurt" in those relationships was my fault. Ouch. Talk about a sucker-punch to the gut.

I don't want to live this way anymore. I think I'll always have some form of wander-lust that tugs at me from time to time...but, I want to need people. I want to miss people. I want to look around me FIRST, before I look in front of me to see "what's next." I want to settle down, I want to grow some roots, I want a family here. Spiritual sisters, brothers, mothers and fathers. I want to be intentional with my relationships and...I want to be a better friend.

And, you know what? If I was a better friend, if I was intentional with needing people, facilitating and nurturing relationships, I wouldn't be so lonely. I wouldn't be sitting here, on my bed, with misty eyes. Or perhaps I would, because I am sick. But, that's besides the point.

...sometimes writing is good for your soul. You start out pointing a finger at life and circumstances, and you quickly realize...you have three pointing back at you. *sigh* Well folks, now that my mind is officially depleted, and I have a source from which the crumbs are crumbing (hehe, crumbing, get it?) I'm going to go to bed. At 8:20pm. Yes, because I'm lame. (And, sick.)

Goodnight world, goodnight my friends. Thank you for reading my rambles.

Luffs and stuffs,