I'm In the business of building a house.

It's time to write. I know this because I have no desire to. When I have no desire to do something, it's often time that I do. Like, organize my closet, or vacuum out my car, or floss my teeth. You catch my drift, yes?

I feel as though my blog has served throughout the past year of living in California as sort of a venting space. A place for me to sort through the crazy soul turmoil and the anxiety I've experienced. Reading back through some of my old posts, I grimace at some of the things I've written and...occasionally I smile. But, mostly grimace. When I was little, I had a diary with Veggie Tale characters on the front. Bob and Larry would guard my thoughts and topics for a year or so and then I would read back through what I wrote, grimace, tear out the pages one by one and start over. Why did I do this? I'm not sure. But I think I did it because I couldn't stand the fact that I was learning. I wanted to be learned...not learning. I wanted to read back through and smile, not grimace at my elementary topics. Yes, I was an unusual 11 year old.

It's a common thread that runs through my life and I think humanity as a whole. The inability to recognize and accept that we are constantly growing, learning, messing up...but hopefully maturing along the way. We want to be "there" - that place, the place where we have everything together, the place that we're stable...where we are finally "ok." We want to tell our friends "I'm doing great" and actually mean it. We don't want to be somewhere in the middle writing about the muddle we've found ourselves in. Why? Because the middle is hard and confusing.

I think the one thing I've learned over this year (or am trying to learn, it's a constant battle) is that the "middle" doesn't exist. The "middle" is a made up place used to describe our discontent with the situations we currently find ourselves in. At least, for me it is. I constantly focus on "what's next", "It'll be better tomorrow" and my favorite "When this happens, I'll finally be bla bla bla bla..." Sound familiar? Am I the only one who thinks this way? I can't be!

Something I can promise you is...the "middle" will become the rest of your life unless a shift in perspective ensues. That hit my like a BRICK during my quiet time this morning. "Christi, daughter, your heart is so young and foolish. You constantly search for stability in your surroundings, you look everywhere for security but in me. Have I not provided for you always? Have I not shown you how much I love you? Your faith is so small. Your heart is like a fall leaf, blown all over at the slightest show of turmoil winds. You blame your surroundings for your lack of faith...and in reality the situations you find yourself in, simply reveal your true heart colors." 


Ouch.

My heart aches to truly grasp this. Does yours? It should. The apostle Paul's words come to mind when I think about this topic:

Philippians 4:12-13
"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

Paul's "secret" isn't so "secret" if we look closely. "I can do ALL this through him who gives me strength." Where is your strength coming from? What is your foundation? Where does your security come from today?  Does it rest in your hopes for the future? Does it rest in financial gain? That security will not last. It will fail and come crashing down over and over again. Find your security in the Lord, He alone will withstand the storms of this world. A big reminder for me, and hopefully one for you too.

Today even though I grimace at some things I've written in the past, even though I desire to "rip out" quite a few of my old blog posts...I won't. Because that is my human nature trying to control my past and my future. Each day is a precious gift, a chance to learn and a chance to trust the Lord in ALL things. I'm grateful for everything He's brought me through in my past and everything He's been teaching me. I desire to learn and grow, and continue building my security in Him...but I also don't want to forget ever again where I have come from. That's why I leave my past open, vulnerable for all to see. For me to see.

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against the house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the ROCK. But, everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against the house...and it fell with a great crash." 

-Matthew 7:24-27