I have so much inside of
me tonight, but I’m having a really hard time starting to write. Honestly, I’ve
started and stopped, and erased, and started and stopped about 12 times. I have
already broken my commitment to write everyday this year, and that sucks.
Honestly the derail happened due to wanting to be intentional with spending
time with the people that have been currently round me (and that doesn’t suck,
FYI). For instance, my brother Scott visited from home, and instead of insist
on taking time out of my day to sit down and write while he was here, I vowed
to write a summary of the whole trip once he left. However, that will have to
come later. As, right now, I don’t really want to write a summary about
anything…I simply want to try and write out some of the things that are
wirrrrring within my heart.
Who am I? What am I
doing here on Earth? Why does it matter?
No really.
Right now I am currently
typing on my computer while riding a train back into Los Angeles. There’s
something about riding on a train that always propels me to want to write. In
fact, I really like trains. Often, when I was a youngster, I’d imagine what it
would have been like to live back in a time when trains were simply the main source
of long-distance travel. You see, there’s certain elegance, or maybe it’s
simply an over-romanticizing, that I feel trains possess. Regardless of
whatever attachment I may have to this source of transportation, I cannot deny
the fact that the gentle swaying of the car, and the elegant music swarming
into my ears from my headphones, makes my current surroundings very conducive
to wanting to write. Not necessarily being successful at the act, but desiring
it nonetheless.
I struggle sometimes with
caring. I honestly struggle with wondering why anything matters in the world.
Why does it matter that I’m alive, why does it matter that you’re alive, why
does it matter that I care about either? However, when you tell somebody those
things, they tend to look at you with frightened eyes, suggest you see a
doctor, and scamper off…not knowing how to address the seemingly dark and
ominous questions you’ve presented before them. Is it wrong of me to think that
my questions on this matter aren’t wrong? Is it wrong of me to feel like there
must be people like me? Maybe they don’t struggle with these same questions
constantly, but who feel the gentle heart-tugs that whisper every now and again
“Does it…really…matter?” “Do you really
matter?” What are you striving for? Really? Why? That doesn’t matter at all.”
I can’t be the only
one.
There are times, like
tonight, as the train lulls me into typing, that I feel so…lost. So
purposeless. So utterly unresponsive to the whispers of beauty around me. And,
I was doing so well for a while. I’ve been really intentional with seeing the
beauty in the things around me, with making friends, with caring. And, tonight,
the dark questions are slowly creeping in over the light. But, that doesn’t
scare me. No. What scares me is the fact that I’m not scared. What scares me is
the fact that I’m not sure if I should be scared or not.
I don’t think I’m
depressed, but I do think I tend to let my mind wander to places that perhaps
it shouldn’t? I’m not sure. And, I think that sometimes when I let my mind
wander too much, the only things that seem beautiful, the only things that seem
worth pursuing, are the ones that are far off. The ones that I cannot, for
whatever reason, in this current time, have.
Tonight, my heart just
cries out to feel the weight of the reality around me. I don’t want to struggle
with the dark questions of purpose. Tomorrow, when I wake up, I want to feel
the sunshine on my face, and see the beauty that spreads through the earth
because of it. I want to hear a baby laugh, and be able to laugh with him. Not
because I think he’s particularly funny, on the contrary, few babies are born of
the immediate hilarious breed…simply because I want to be able to partake in
the beauty of his innocent joy. This is not something that is easy to
participate in when you’re struggling with the question of “purpose.”
Something that keeps
coming into my mind are the words of the apostle Paul when he wrote to the church
of Philippi: 21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22 If I am to go on living in the body, this will
mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know!
23 I am torn between the
two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far;
24 but it is more
necessary for you that I remain in the body. 25 Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and
I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith,
26 so that through my
being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me.”
I know
that I have several theology major friends, and pastors who might come across
me taking this passage out of context and scold me for it. But, honestly, I don’t
care. It’s what is currently the only positive thing rattling around my head
and so I’m going to cling to it, and talk about it…in context or not.
I guess, the overall
feeling I walk away from after reading this particular part of Paul’s letter,
is the fact that Paul was struggling with what he thought his purpose to be too.
And that’s reassuring. Or, maybe he wasn’t struggling with what he thought his
purpose on earth to be, but maybe…the importance of it. He wanted to go home. Christi-summary:
“If I am going to live on this earth, the
thing that I have to focus on is Christ…but, selfishly, I really, really,
really want to go home. It will be infinitely better to be home with Jesus,
than it will be to be here on earth, in prison, and with you people who I have
to write these ridiculously long explanatory letters to. I love you, but
seriously, these things are long.”
Something in me resonates with this tonight. Honestly, I want to jump over the voluminous
woman sitting next to me, stand up in the middle of the train aisle and bellow “WHY
AM I HERE, GOD?! AND YOU” *points to loud lady up a few rows* “WHY ARE YOU
HERE, AND YOU, *points* AND YOU, *points* AND YOU!? Do none of you stop to ask
yourself why!?”
Gosh darnit, I do. I
want to know why. I want to know why so badly. SO BADLY. And, I guess the only
thing that I feel God saying in return is “Because.
Honey, you are my example, you are my fingerprint, and for the current time
that you are alive, I need you to represent me. I need you to be the evidence
that this world needs.”
Would it be a sin of me
to tell Him back, that tonight I don’t want to be? Tonight I’m not satisfied by
that answer? That, tonight, I want to feel purpose here? Tonight I want to be
able to look to the person on my left and say “Do you know how to feel purpose? No? Well, let me tell you, you feel
it by doing A, B, C, and D...” But no. I can’t. I can’t, because I know without
a shadow of a doubt that doing these things do not bring purpose… as much as I
may want them too. I know that getting a job at Disney or Pixar, or having the
opportunity to schmooze with some of the biggest and best in the industry doesn’t
bring purpose. Why? Because, I’m doing those things currently…maybe not to the
same extreme that some are, but I can taste it. The fulfillment of my dreams is
on the tip of my tongue. And, I can promise you, although the flavor brings
immediate temporary-satisfaction of self, overall purpose, and sustenance, is
lacking greatly. So greatly, that tonight I felt the need to write it all out.
Tonight I want to go
home. Tonight I don’t want to feel empty, and alone, or to be writing a stupid
blog post on a swaying train regarding the fact that I feel empty, and alone,
and feel purposeless. Tonight I want to understand what my greater purpose is
for. Tonight I selfishly want to feel fulfillment from un-Christ like things.
And, I don’t. And I never will… and, it frustrates me, despite the fact that I know
my perspective is off. I’m weak.
I guess, I know that my
conversation topics can be pretty heavy, but I don’t understand how some people
can go through life and not have some of these questions. I don’t know why
pastors, or highly intelligent people, when I bring these concerns to them,
look at me with those scared eyes and say “Oh,
well, maybe you should see a doctor, or a counselor, or…get involved with
several of our woman community groups.” Pardon my French, but that’s
complete bull-poop.
It’s time to get
serious about some of these questions. About, purpose. About the constant
struggle that we, as Christians, will always feel regarding purpose. The push
and pull between wanting to be Christ’s fingerprints here on earth, to use our
talents where we are…but also, the deep longing our hearts will ALWAYS have for
“more”, for…home.
Don’t ignore those
longings for more. Don’t write it off when you hear someone say “Oh, you’re wondering about why you’re here
on earth? Well, that’s kind of dark, isn’t it?” No. It’s not. In fact, I
wager to say that if you, as a Christian weren’t feeling those things or haven’t
felt or thought through those things, then you haven’t really struggled with
the idea of Purpose…or the idea of finding your identity in something other
than the unimportance that surrounds you 95% of the time. And that, I would
wager to say, is a far greater thing to fear, than those presumably dark
thoughts themselves. Because, first off, I think there’s a certain responsibility
that one feels and walks with, when they know what their ultimate purpose in
life is. Or, they’ve at least begun to wrestle with it. Secondly, the fact that
death itself, (the DARKEST earthly topic we as humans can fixate on) was conquered
by our savior is something to be CELEBRATED, not feared. We have a brilliant flame
of eternal hope, which can never be quenched by the darkest earth dark. We,
have the ultimate reason to look death, and darkness in the face, and to smile with
the assurance of eternal living with our Pappa. Why then, do we shy away from
talking about it? Why then, do we shuffle people who are struggling with
purpose, and with “I don’t feel like I
should be here on earth” – questions, into fluffy support groups and watered
down consoling. I don’t want watered down food, I don’t want watered down
messages, I don’t want watered down advice, I want to hear the truth. Life
sucks, purpose isn’t here. It’s as simple as that, People. If you’re struggling
as a Christian because you feel a constant push and pull, by golly, please if
anything, walk away knowing you’re not wrong to question these things…and you’re
definitely not alone in your purpose pursuit. I for one, feel I will be
struggling right along with you for the rest of my days.
Lastly, I’m ridiculously
tired of having more purposeful exploratory conversations with my non-Christian
friends than I do my Christian friends. I’m tired of not being able to openly
talk with some Christians I know, about some of these “dark” thoughts I have,
for fear of them not knowing how to answer me, because they’ve never allowed
themselves to struggle to find their own solutions to these questions. They
rely on the answers that they’ve been spoon-fed and that have been regurgitated
throughout the years through their theology and traditions. I just…I for one, cannot
not struggle with these things, and I cannot not admit that I wrestle with the
idea of purpose anymore.
I recommend that
everyone should ride a train sometime. Let your mind wander to places that many
don’t suggest it to wander to. Allow yourself to ask hard questions. And, for
goodness sakes, you tough question-askers, remind me that you’re there. Tonight,
I desperately need to know I’m not alone.
Luffs and stuffs,
CP
